Funeral Etiquette: What to Wear & How to Behave

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What to Know and How to Dress for a Funeral

Funerals are fraught mixtures of emotions as you navigate the passing of the deceased while also trying to focus on the joy and significance of their lives. In such moments, the last thing that you should have to worry about is what you are going to wear for an occasion like a visitation, wake, funeral, or celebration of life that comes on the heels of death.

This guide will provide you with all of the information you need to make considerate, informed decisions as to what to wear when attending a funeral, memorial service, or similar event. Armed with this information, you can be sure that your attire will be appropriate and respectful, freeing up your mind and emotions to stand together with friends and family to focus completely on the fallen and their legacy.

Historical Mourning: Funeral Traditions of the Past

The Victorian Era

A photograph depicting the funeral procession of Queen Victoria.
The funeral procession for Queen Victoria. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

Death goes hand in hand with life, but funeral rituals have changed radically over time. The Victorians, for example, made death and its rituals a central component of their culture and developed rigid customs concerning mourning.

If one’s spouse or parent died, one wore black for a full year and then for six months, “half mourning,” which meant gray for men and mauve for women.

An illustration of Christian Rossetti

“Remember me when I am gone away / Gone far away into the silent land / When you can no more hold me by the hand / Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.”

Chrstina Rossetti

There were also strict rules about the formality and types of clothing that were to be worn at mourning events like funerals or memorial services, dictated by factors such as one’s relationship to the deceased, one’s status, and even one’s profession.

These traditions carried on well into the twentieth century and, for some cultures, remain in place today.

The Early 20th Century

In most of Europe and North America, highly ritualized mourning customs were largely discarded by the middle of the 20th century and generally assumed the scale and appearance by which they are recognized today.

For men, some unique funerary traditions from this era included wearing a black armband following the death or a parent, spouse, child, or sibling. The intention of this band was to inform others that the wearer was grieving and, therefore, ought to be extended certain special consideration.

Armbands could also be worn as a sign of respect for the fallen. To this day, for instance, public servants like police officers or firefighters will wear a black band over their badges to acknowledge the deaths of fallen comrades.

A portrait of William Shakespeare

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”

William Shakespeare

In general, however, strict funerary rituals have largely fallen by the wayside, and as a result, more and more people have questions about the etiquette surrounding death. This guide is an attempt to answer those questions and allay any concerns.

The Difference Between a Funeral and a Memorial Service

Photograph of a cemetery
View of graves in a cemetery. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

People often ask what the difference is between a “funeral” and a “memorial service.” The answer really lies in whether the deceased is present physically or just in memory. If there is a coffin and a burial following, it is a funeral service. If the burial has taken place or the body has been cremated (with or without an urn present), then it is a memorial service. On occasion, the family may opt for a private funeral service and burial and a public memorial service at a later time. Death notices in newspapers or online at funeral homes will indicate to you what type of service you are attending and where the service will be held.

What You Need to Do Before Attending a Funeral or Memorial Service

Learning about the Death

Following someone’s death, their relations will discreetly inform family and close friends of their passing, usually directly. The family will also post a special notice in local periodicals known as an obituary. This obituary will include precise details as to the time and location of any funerary events.

A photograph of Edgar Allan Poe

“In death – no! Even in the grave all is not lost. Else there is no immortality for man.”

Edgar Allen Poe

Determining Whether or Not to Attend a Funeral or Memorial Service

If you are contacted directly by the deceased’s family or find mention of the death of a family member or close friend in an obituary, you are tacitly extended an invitation to attend the funeral or memorial service. Unlike many other social events, most funerals do not have a list of invited guests unless they are playing a direct role in the proceedings.

Therefore, if you desire to attend the funeral or memorial service, you may do so without being explicitly invited. The only exception to this rule will be if the family directly states that the funerary event will be private, in which case you should only attend if you are invited.

Write a Condolence Letter

Handwritten letter of condolence by President Abraham Lincoln
Handwritten letter of condolence by President Abraham Lincoln

Once you learn of the death of someone whom you knew or if you discover that a relative or close friend of a co-worker or friend has died, your first step should be to write a condolence letter. Whether you intend to attend the funeral or memorial service or not, a letter is still a nice gesture.

Note that while an email, an online post, or a text message may suffice, a handwritten letter or note will always indicate a greater degree of respect, and sympathy requires more from you. Such a missive need not be long or witty, but a sincere message with a personal touch is always best.

Even if you did not know the deceased well, a simple acknowledgment that your thoughts are with their survivors will be greatly appreciated. Ensure that your statements are genuine and honest, avoiding any dramatics or hyperbole. These letters will serve as tangible reminders for the grieving that people care for them or care for the person they are mourning, so simple statements of heartfelt feeling will serve you best.

Send out invitations - a handwritten one makes your guests feel very special but a text message will do in most cases - it is free liquor after all

Handwritten or Typed

Condolences

Whether written by hand or not, a message of condolences will always be greatly appreciated by the receiver in their moment of sadness. A handwritten missive, however, will likely elicit a greater emotional response, as the unique and personal quality of a handwritten letter can often convey a greater sense of sympathy and devotion. Again, either option is good, but handwritten is usually better.

Dispatch Flowers or a Donation

A photograph of flowers decorating a grave
Flowers decorate a grave site in a cemetery. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

You may want to acknowledge the death of someone in a more tangible manner than just a letter. In years gone by, one sent flowers to the funeral home or a mourner’s house. These flowers were both a tribute to the departed and a practical solution to the issue of odor associated with death. These days, however, many people regard an overabundance of flowers as an excessive waste of money.

Nowadays, many obituaries feature a corollary that states something to the effect of “In lieu of flowers, a donation can be made in the deceased’s honor.” The obituary will then include a brief list of causes or institutions about which the deceased cared.

The choice is up to you if you want to make a charitable donation or not, and it is up to you ultimately to which charity you would like to donate. The charity will inform the deceased family of the donation, or the funeral home will prepare a list of donors’ names and addresses.

Consider a Visit and Offer to Help

A photograph of food laid out on a table
In many cultures, food is brought to mourning families so that they can focus their energies on grieving and preparing for the funeral. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

If you are a member of the family of the deceased or a close friend, you may consider paying them a visit prior to the funeral. In addition to extending your personal condolences, this visit will also afford you the opportunity to offer to help in any way that you can.

Be aware, however, that especially in cases of sudden or unexpected passing, the family may prefer to be left alone to grieve in the days immediately following the death. Therefore, be circumspect and tactful, erring on the side of caution lest you accidentally prove an inconvenience to the family during a very fraught time.

Consider Attending the Viewing

A painting depicting a wake
Mira qué bonita era (“Look How Lovely She Was”) by Julio Romero de Torres, 1895. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

In addition to the funeral or memorial service, the obituary may make reference to a viewing, also referred to as a visitation or wake. This viewing is an opportunity to visit with the family of the deceased and see their mortal remains prior to the final internment.

Based on local, national, and religious traditions, thege body of the deceased may or may not be on display.

Viewings are usually held a few days prior to the funeral and are scheduled to last for several hours. Often, because of their extended timeframe, it can be more convenient to attend a viewing than the actual funeral or memorial service.

You should feel free to attend only one or both events at your own discretion.

What To Do If You Are Not Attending the Funeral or Memorial Service

Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to attend a funeral or memorial service is up to you. If the deceased is close family or an intimate friend, you should include in your condolence letter a brief acknowledgment that you will not be attending but that the deceased and their family are still in your thoughts. You do not have to provide a particular reason for not attending unless you wish to do so.

Why What You Wear to a Funeral or Memorial Service Matters

How You Dress Communicates How You Feel about the Deceased

A somewhat flippant response to attire and funerary events is the assumption that what you wear will clearly have no impact on the deceased, who is already gone. But how you dress will have an impact on the family of the deceased and anyone else present. Therefore, it will behoove you to dress properly.

Indicates Respect for the Deceased

Taking care to dress in a manner that is appropriate and dignified shows your respect for the person who passed. You are honoring their legacy by taking the time to dress correctly for a unique event intended to honor their life and achievements. Just as with happier occasions like birthday parties or weddings, putting in the effort to dress appropriately for the occasion is always an indication of good taste and genuine consideration for your hosts.

Shows Solidarity with the Bereft

Most funerary events are social occasions in which many different people come together to mark the passing of a mutual acquaintance. When all of those assembled are dressed in a similar and appropriate manner, the effect immediately creates a sense of community and togetherness. Endeavoring to dress according to the standards of everyone else present will make it clear that you stand as one with your fellow mourners in communally marking the passing of a shared friend.

Please Note: While this guide intends to be as inclusive as possible, it was written primarily with the funerary traditions of Western cultures in mind. Therefore, the norms, attire, and conventions discussed herein may not be applicable to all cultures, nations, and faith traditions.

Funeral Attire & Etiquette FAQ

Do I have to dress up for a funeral?

While you do not technically have to dress up, failing to do so may be interpreted as disrespectful to the deceased. An obvious exception would be if the hosts of the event have specifically requested more casual attire.

What should I wear to a funeral?

The most traditional funeral attire consists of a dark suit with dark leather shoes, a white collar, and a conservative necktie.

What should I wear to a funeral if I do not have a suit?

A white dress shirt with dark trousers and a dark covering on your torso, such as a sweater, cardigan, or formal, plain jacket or topcoat.

What colors can be worn at funerals?
In most Western traditions, dark colors are best suited to the somber tone of funerary events. Therefore, you should limit your main garments like jackets and trousers in black, navy, dark blue, or dark gray. Your shoes should be black or dark brown, and your socks black. Your shirt should be white or light blue.

Do I have to wear black to a funeral?

While black is a traditional color for funerals, any dark, sedate colors will nowadays work just as well.

Should I wear all-black clothing to a funeral?

A monochromatic black ensemble, such as a black suit with a black shirt and black neckwear, is actually a very bold look that will likely appear distracting during a solemn occasion like a funeral. It ought, therefore, to be avoided.

Do I have to wear a tie to a funeral?

A necktie in muted, formal colors is the most conventional neckwear for funerary events and should be worn if possible. An equally conservative bow tie is also acceptable. However, it is better to wear no neckwear at all than to wear any very colorful, casual neckwear.

What clothes are considered disrespectful at funerals?

In the Western tradition, any loud, outlandish, or unusual clothing will generally be considered disrespectful. This includes casual clothing, distracting clothing, and very bright or colorful clothing.

What to Wear to a Funeral or a Memorial Service

A photograph of Queen Elizabeth II's funeral procession
King Charles III, the Princess Royal, the Duke of York, the Earl of Wessex, the Prince of Wales, the Duke of Sussex, Peter Phillips, the Earl of Snowdon, and the Duke of Gloucester appear in full dress uniforms and morning dress while walking behind Queen Elizabeth II’s coffin. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

The Wishes of the Family

The final arbiters of what should be worn at a funeral or memorial service will always be the family or friends hosting the event. It is entirely possible that the deceased was an extremely casual person who would not want the bereaved to dress up to honor them. In such cases, the hosts will make an alternative dress code clear.

If the hosts of the funerary event make an explicit request as to dress, follow it, even if its breaks conventional mourning rules. You never want to overshadow the deceased’s family by being overdressed. If no such explicit statement is made, you can feel comfortable conforming to the following guidelines.

Time of Year

The weather at the time that a funerary service takes place may alter the particulars, but not the overall tenor, of your outfit. In cold months, the addition of outerwear and accessories like gloves or a scarf, all in respectful, dark colors, will be expected. Conversely, in warmer weather, garments in similarly darker colors but lighter and more breathable fabrics are appropriate. Your goal should be to ensure your comfort and convenience without compromising on the decorous spirit of the event.

Weather

Sven in a classic Burberry trench coat.
Tasteful classic rain gear matches the gravity and dignity of a funeral.

Immediate weather events like snow or rain can be accounted for while still maintaining a respectful atmosphere. Many funeral homes, for instance, will provide attendants with umbrellas in the event of rain. Be aware of funerary events, such as graveside services, that may involve tracking over open ground that can become muddy. In such instances, wear appropriate but non-distracting footwear. If it is sunny and you are outdoors, a formal hat and tasteful sunglasses can be worn, but be sure to remove them when in close proximity to the interment area. In general, the hosts of the funerary event will do their best to ensure that everything progresses smoothly in the event of anomalous weather, but any steps that you can take to help, such as bringing your own tasteful umbrella, will be appreciated.

Regular Funeral Attire

Raphael in a business suit
Here Raphael is in a very typical funerary ensemble. He wears a dark suit with black leather shoes, a white shirt, a white pocket square, and a navy blue necktie.

The traditional mourning wear for Western funerals is a basic, dark suit with simple accessories. This ensemble conveys a sufficient degree of gravitas and is not distracting, and has the added benefit of not being especially onerous for most attendants to acquire. In most cases, the most formal attire, such as Black Tie or White Tie, will not be necessary.

Because a dark suit is the single most versatile suit that a man can own, you ought to have at least one in your wardrobe that is appropriate for a funerary service.

ArticleNotes
SuitThe most conventional dark suit will be single-breasted in black, navy, or charcoal gray. While a black suit is traditionally associated with funerals, it is no longer considered an essential color for these events. You may also wear a double-breasted suit if desired, and very discreet patterns, such as a subtle pin stripe, are acceptable.
ShoesBlack dress shoes, like leather oxfords or derbies, including wholecuts, cap toes, and wing tips. Dark brown leather is also acceptable.
ShirtA solid white shirt is preferred, but light blue can also be acceptable. French cuffs, because of their formality, are a benefit but not essential.
NeckwearA conservative necktie in muted, formal colors is necessary. Common options include silk or grenadine examples in solid black, solid or striped dark blue, dark red, or dark green neckties, or understated patterns, like a subtle Prince of Wales check.
AccessoriesTo avoid appearing fussy, accessories should be kept to a relative minimum. They should include the basics of a simple white linen pocket square in a conservative fold and dark over-the-calf socks. Jewelry such as wristwatches, lapel pins, and cufflinks should be discreet and tasteful.

A Tasteful Selection of Funeral-Appropriate Neckties

The Full Windsor is one of the larger tie knots

Silk Tie in Jacquard Red with White Polka Dots

Grenadine Silk Tie in Navy Blue and White Linen Pocket Square with Navy Blue Handrolled X Stitch from Fort Belvedere

Grenadine Silk Tie in Navy Blue

White shirt with wide spread collar paired with a madder silk tie in bottle green Macclesfield.

Bottle Green Macclesfield Neats Madder Silk Tie

Photo of the Kennedy family at the state funeral of JFK.

Special considerations for a

State Funeral

In the event that you are invited to participate in a funeral or memorial service for a significant individual, often referred to as a state funeral, you will be informed by the host of any particular dress codes or special preparations required to meet the increased prominence of the event. While increasingly rare, such state events may include extremely formal dress codes, such as morning wear.

What to Wear If You Do Not Own a Suit

Kyle wearing a dark jacket and sweater
Although Kyle would never wear this ensemble to a funeral, it could technically work in a pinch. He combines a dark, plain coat with a dark navy sweater vest and white shirt with a dark regimental necktie, with dark trousers.

If you are attending a funeral and do not own a suit, it is still possible to craft a decorous outfit. In general, your goal ought to be to minimize drawing attention to yourself by blending in with the other attendants as much as possible.

ArticleNotes
ShirtWear a white or light blue shirt with long sleeves and a collar. Ideally, it should be a button-down shirt.
NeckwearIdeally, wear a conservative necktie. If you do not own a conservative necktie, it is better to go without one than to wear a bright or loud necktie. Keep your collar buttoned even if you are without neckwear.
OuterwearIf possible, wear something that is black, dark blue, or dary gray over your torso. This can include a cardigan, sweater, blazer, or more-formal topcoat or overcoat. A simple casual jacket in dark color can also work, provided that it features no distracting details like the shiny hardware typical of motorcycle jackets or the long hem of a duster.
TrousersDark trousers like dress pants or slacks in a plain fabric like wool or cotton will be the most discreet. Consider colors like black, dark gray, and navy.
ShoesDark leather or fabric shoes worn with dark socks. Your primary concern should be ensuring that your footwear is as non-descript as possible.
Finest Socks In The World - Over The Calf in Black Silk

For all funerary Events

The Right Socks

No matter what kind of funeral you are attending, your socks should always be extremely dark and plain. Black socks are the most correct, but you can also wear dark gray or dark navy if necessary. Fort Belvedere offers a curated selection of socks suitable for all formal day events, including funerals or memorial services.

What Not to Wear to a Funeral or Memorial Service

Although menswear in general is becoming increasingly casual, funerary events are one area that remains relatively sedate and conservative. To help maintain this decorous mood of sympathy and respect, avoid wearing the following items.

1
Preston admires his pocket square

Do not wear anything with bold or bright colors.

Loud colors will distract from the somber mood, unless you know that they are in keeping with the culture or religion of the deceased or the wishes of the hosts.

2
Kyle showing off his pair of jeans.

Do not wear casual garments.

These will include jeans, chinos, khakis, polo shirts, t-shirts, and similar articles. If in doubt, opt for a more formal option.

3
A man wearing a red ascot with a yellow cardigan and green and white gingham shirt

Do not wear casual neckwear.

This includes colorful neckties or bowties or any neckerchief or ascot that is not a formal ascot worn with morning wear.

4
Looking flashy with jewelry might give your date the wrong impression

Do not over-accessorize.

Your goal is to look appropriate and understated. Leave your bold jewelry at home, and ensure that anything that you do wear, such as a lapel pin or boutonniere, is discreet and tasteful.

5
Raphael’s pair of PF Flyers sneakers

Do not wear casual shoes.

These will include loafers, two-tone shoes, sneakers, athletic shoes, sandals, flip-flops, and the like.

6
Loafers worn without socks

Do not skip socks.

Bare ankles will detract from the solemnity of the occasion.

What to Wear if You are Participating in the Events

A photo of pallbearers carrying a casket.
To convey a sense of unity and gravity, men participating directly in a funeral, like pallbearers, will intentionally dress in a similar way. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

If you were close to the deceased, you may be asked to participate directly in the funeral or memorial service as an usher, pallbearer, speaker, or in a similar role. In such an event, it would be appropriate to ask the person organizing the funerary event what the anticipated dress code for such participants will be. In general, you can expect it to be more formal than that of the general participants and may include distinctive items such as a boutonniere, cockade, ribbon, or another identifying marker.

handwriting on a notepad with some fountain pens scattered on the side

If you are asked to write the

Eulogy

A eulogy is a heartfelt tribute. It is not an opportunity to get one last word in about the deceased, nor a comedy act. It is about the way the person who died impacted people’s lives. If you are asked to deliver a eulogy, this is your chance to speak about someone in a very dignified manner. Make sure to sit down and take your time when you write it. Find the right balance between grief, cherished memories, and funny occasions. Avoid any remarks about drinking or dating habits of the deceased, and do not bring up anything else that could be perceived as embarrassing or disrespectful.

How to Conduct Yourself During a Funeral or Memorial Service

A painting of a funeral
A Funeral (1891) by Anna Ancher. [Image Credit: The National Gallery of Denmark]

Funerals and memorial services are where the living interact to honor and mourn the dead. It is a time to pay extra attention to etiquette when emotions and feelings are so raw. Keeping the following guidelines in mind will ensure that you behave appropriately and respectfully.

  • If possible, attend the service if you were close to the deceased or their family. Similarly, avoid going if your attendance will make the family uncomfortable.
  • Arrive 10-20 minutes early for the service.
  • In most cases, the family of the deceased or a representative will greet mourners. Acknowledge the family and introduce yourself if necessary before finding your seat.
  • Sign the guestbook.
  • Politely and discreetly introduce yourself to any other mourners with whom you happen to interact.
  • If you are not a member of the deceased’s family or close friends, do not sit in the first few rows of seats.
  • Turn your phone on silent, and do not use it until you’ve departed the event entirely.
  • When there is the opportunity to do so, express your sympathy and condolences in a simple way, such as “I’m so sorry for your loss. This must be a difficult time for you.” Do not use interaction at a funeral as a way to talk about your own grief or experiences.
  • If refreshment is served, especially spiritous beverages, practice moderation.

How to Attire and Conduct Yourself During a Visitation or Wake

A painting of a Hispanic wake
“The Wake” by José María Jara [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

The main goal of a visitation is to give the group of people who were friends with the deceased a chance to say goodbye in a social context. This more-convivial atmosphere may diverge somewhat from the generally more formal and austere atmosphere of the funerary service.

In general, the same attire that is appropriate for a funeral will generally be appropriate for a visitation. Note that if the deceased was a public servant, military member, veteran, or member of a sports team or social club, their peers might wear their uniforms to indicate a sense of kinship and a recognition of the decedent’s life, values, spirit, and commitment.

Introduction to Various Funerary Traditions

The following brief summations are intended only to give you a very cursory introduction to what you can expect at various traditional funerary events. These summations are not intended to be complete or exhaustive.

DoW-in-Morning-Coat-at-Funeral-1967

Christian Funeral Services

Most Christian services feature both a religious ceremony held in a church and a graveside service at the internment site. Each Christian denomination will have its own traditions and rules regarding how the service will proceed, although most will last anywhere from one to three hours. If you are not familiar with the traditions of the particular church, you are usually safe following along with the conduct of the other participants. The only exception will be the act of Communion, in which the congregation partakes of Bread and Wine together. In some Christian faiths, especially the Roman Catholic and Orthodox denominations, this act is deeply sacred and should not be undertaken by those not adhering to its beliefs. In other denominations, all may participate. In general, it is better to eschew participating in Communion directly if you are unsure if you may do so.

Orthodox Jewish funeral service

Jewish Funeral Services

If you are attending a Jewish funeral service, it usually takes place in a synagogue, temple, or funeral home one day after the death, although it will never occur on the Saturday Sabbath. Men are required to wear a head covering known as a kippah or yarmulke. If you do not own one, one will be provided for you as you enter the sanctuary. Married women are asked to wear headscarves at Orthodox services. Gentlemen are encouraged to wear dark suits and ties. The service is usually about the same duration as a Christian funeral. If you are able, you will be asked to travel to the graveside for the burial. The casket is lowered and, if you desire, you may join others in the act of shoveling soil on the casket. Do not feel obliged to do so. Following the internment, most people will adjourn to a family member’s home and begin a seven-day observation called Shiva. If you missed the funeral service, you might visit the family during this time. Never send flowers to a Jewish funeral. Usually, one makes a donation to a charity or plants a tree in Israel through the Jewish National Fund.

Islamic funeral

Muslim Funeral Services

Muslims, like Jews, do not delay in having a funeral service. The funeral service will take place in a mosque. You will be required to remove your shoes and deposit them in an appropriate location before entering. Therefore, make sure your socks are impeccably clean. Women must wear scarves on their heads. Your general attire should be dark and respectful. Many Muslim men do not wear neckties, but if you want to wear a tie, you may. Because burial must occur within twenty-four hours of death, the service often occurs after burial.

Buddhist Funeral

Buddhist Funeral Services

In the Buddhist tradition, mourners who are adherents to Buddhist beliefs often wear white. If you are not a Buddhist, you should wear conventional funeral attire, but avoid wearing red, which is associated with joy and happiness and is therefore taboo on sad occasions. You will be expected to remove your shoes as part of the proceedings.

Photo of a Native American stone figuration

Native American Funeral Service

The following guidelines to a generic Native American funeral were provided by Evan, a regular reader of The Gentleman’s Gazette. A generic Native American funeral will usually feature a ceremonial fire circle. Before going to the fire circle, ask someone already in attendance if it is appropriate to enter at that time. Close family and friends may prefer to sit at the fire in private before inviting others to join. In general, Native American funerary services eschew formal attire. Instead, a simple white shirt tucked into dark trousers will suffice. When entering the circle, water may be made available with which you are to wash your hands in ritual cleansing. You may then be offered a pinch of tobacco or a similar offering to place into the fire. You will eventually be invited to move around the circle in a clockwise rotation. Never attempt to tend the fire in any way, as this is the duty of trained tenders will be caring for the fire. When leaving the fire circle, make a second offer just as you di the first. The only interaction permissible with the fire is the offering. Additional offerings may be given, provided they are accompanied by a prayer, generally nonverbal. Always offer your seat to someone who was closer to the departed.

Tasteful Funeral Flowers on a Stand

Secular Funeral Services

In general, secular funerary events will follow the same tenor, if not belief schema, of their religious counterparts. You can expect a relatively formal and sedate occasion intended to remember and celebrate the life of the deceased. Throughout the proceedings, maintain a decorous attitude and be respectful of the decision of the hosts to not carry out a religious service.

Military Funeral

Military Funeral Services

Servicemen and women and veterans of various world armed forces are often entitled to a military funeral. This ceremony can be as simple as a folded national flag on a coffin or as complicated as a full military escort and multi-gun salute. All military funerals will usually feature a higher degree of pomp and gravity, in recognition of the service of the fallen warrior. Therefore, take particular care to ensure that your attire is sufficiently formal and appropriate.

Conclusion

A painting of a 19th century funeral
“A Burial at Ornan” (1850) by Gustave Courbet. [Image Credit: Wikimedia]

Now that you are familiar with what is expected of you both in regards to conduct and attire at a typical funerary event, we hope that you feel confident in how you ought to dress and behave and that you will be better able to focus entirely on the deceased and their legacy, without having to worry about what to wear.

Editor’s Note: This post was written by E.J. Daniels, based on an earlier version by Keith McKee.

Reader Comments

  1. At the last funeral I attended, some people where wearing jeans, t-shirt, and even shorts. I was shocked….

  2. Raphael,

    Very well written and VERY much needed. I especially wish THE WORLD would read your spot -on comment regarding eulogies, they are not a chance to prove how clever you are!

    1. Keith did a great job indeed! I just added few things here and there but as a clergyman, he experiences this disrespectful behavior all the time.

  3. Thank you for sharing such an educative article.

    I would like to share something about the traditional Chinese funeral etiquette…
    This was added to the article!

    1. Pan, thank you so much for sharing the Chinese dress code. I shall update the article accordingly!

  4. Striped trousers and black jacket, white shirt Black tie & coffin, funeral barer.
    striped trousers and black jacket, white shirt patterned tie & tray,Butler
    Striped trousers and black jacket, white shirt tie with insignia & case freemason.
    Hope this clears up the confusion. LOL.

  5. What about a Wake? I’ve never been to one but stories usually indicate it’s the complete opposite of a somber memorial service.

    1. That would be the legendary Irish wake. Wake’s are just like funeral services, solemn. The Irish tended to get rowdy at wakes, with liquor and jokes, but that is from another time and has eased up quite a bit. Always err on the side of decorum. Should the individual occasion suggest a more relaxed attitude, so be it, but let the family and close friends set the tone and keep a bit of reserve in your own behaviour in any case, as a sign of respect. You would not believe how many post-mortems (no pun intended) of the event by families end in singling out people who attended for praise of their decorum and censure for the lack thereof.

  6. The same dark suit requirement is also appropriate for wakes, especially evening wakes. (In my experience, perhaps because the work environment is what it is today, mostly people attend wakes rather than funerals these days, except, of course, when very close relatives or close friends are connected to the decedent.) There should be formality and respect, and a dark suit suggests that better than anything else. But if , for instance, the decedent was a member of a high school team or a member of a police force, firefighters’ brigade or nursing staff at the time of passing, it is quite appropriate for team mates or co-workers to wear their uniforms to indicate a sense of kinship and a recognition of the decedent’s life, values, spirit and commitment.

    When you attend a wake or funeral, do not be concerned about what you must or mustn’t say; often, a respectful smile and a warm hug or stroke of the arm or firm clutching of hands says much more than any trite words could possibly convey. The physical support translates into what the other person needs.

    However, thanks, also, for your comments on hand-written notes. They are essential matters of etiquette, whether you are a close relative/friend of the decedent thanking others on behalf of the decedent or whether you are an acquaintance of someone who is experiencing the loss and the attendant emotions. You can and should keep notes simple; the gesture is what matters most; you express love, concern, appreciation, respect and so much more. A gentle general reference to the “transition” is also appropriate, as it acknowledges the recipient’s ongoing needs as much as the decedent’s passing, and it implies understanding.

  7. At first, I’d like to express my thanks to the author of this article. Even if much of what is said in it should be self-evident, it can not be repeated enough. On the funerals I’ve been to I’ve seen many an attendant whom the reading of an article such as this would have served well, including by the way people of my grandparents’ generation.
    The tips concerning funerals of other religions as Christianity were very insightful and interesting. Especially I’d like like to thank you, dear Pan, for your insights into chinese funeral culture, of which I was so far not aware at all.
    Greetings to all readers

  8. Thank you for your very sensitive and informative account of funeral etiquette. I really enjoy reading your Gentlemen’s Gazette. May I respectfully let you know that the caption under the letter is incorrect and also ‘stationary’ is staionery when referring to books pens and papers. Best wishes Graham

  9. I had believed that it was OK to wear a tan or light coloured suit to a summer funeral as long as you wore a black armband with it. However I have a black linen suit which I have only ever worn three times – all of them funerals.

    1. Well, if you live in California, I suppose you can wear Pink Leather trousers and dress like a Clown, the best advice I can give you is to find out what other people will be wearing and then conform as closely as possible to that. Whatever you wear, Keep it simple and clean.

      James.

  10. I’ve attended many funerals and visitations over the years, I always keep the suit dark and conservative. And the shoes black and plain (simple line cap toe or little to no brogue).

    The closer I was to the person the darker I go with my suit. Meaning dark gray to black.

    Sometimes a solid navy suit or navy blazer with gray slacks if I’m only attending the visitation.

    Years ago, I attended a visitation late in the day for a friend of my grandmother’s and so I turned my daily ensemble into a nice looking day to night piece.

    Gray suit, black cap toe shoes, white shirt and pocket square, with a dark blue tie with small red dots on it.

    If you’re doing a visitation and funeral on different days, (which is usually the case) wear a dark gray or navy for the visitation and keep the black for the funeral.

    Less is more when it comes jewelry, a simple dress watch and a set of cuff links are all you’ll need. Oh yes, if you’re married don’t forget your wedding ring. :)

  11. Greetings Gents of concern! thank you for sharing such a timely subject. I shall refer friends and clients to this site as the information is quite helpful without the embarrassment of them not knowing but wanting to know!

  12. For the modern fashion victim who probably has a closet full of black suits, yes, I suppose a black suit is fine for a funeral. The problem is that he is likely to be mistaken for one of the staff of the funeral home. Solid charcoal gray is better.

    If the only suit you have is a navy blue pinstripe, then yes, that is what you should wear. However, pinstripes say “business,” and there should be nothing businesslike about a funeral. Solid charcoal gray is better.

    White shirt? Absolutely. French cuffs? Yes, but black silk knots instead of cufflinks are the way to go.

    Black necktie? Absolutely.

    Black shoes? Absolutely. Wingtips are better than nothing, but some sort of plain toe or cap toe shoe is a better choice.

    Funerals are events which, sooner or later, we all must attend. Now is the time to prepare for the inevitable, so now is the time to get your solid charcoal gray suit, white straight-collar shirt, black tie, and plain black shoes (if you don’t have them already). These are classics that can be worn in with other clothes in other situations, but are necessary for certain events (change the black tie to navy and you can attend any wedding, appear at any court, or apply for any serious job).

  13. Please leave the attacks on Protestants at the door. In any case, calling a funeral a “life celebration” is hardly limited to Protestants; if anything, such misguided attempts to deflect the reality of death seem more prominent among non-believers.

  14. I recently attended a funeral for a substitute teacher that had taught at my high school. He had been a Colonel in the Marine Corps, and, either by intuition by the pastor or by the family’s request, one of the music teachers and I were requested to play taps before the closure of the service. I was to wear my marching band uniform, to signify connection to the school (I am a student). In response to the honor, I made sure my shoes were devoid of dirt, donned a brand new pair of white gloves, and polished my trumpet to a shine for the occasion. That would be the exception to the above, if you have a uniform, military or other which bears connection to the deceased’s life, within reason, of course. Just make sure you have all i’s dotted and t’s crossed.

  15. Excellent piece. But a minor point—women should not wear “sequence”.. Are you referring to ‘sequins’?

  16. What? wing tips (=brogues), at a funeral?
    Wouldn’t that be overtly ‘sporty’ for the occasion?!

    1. Erik, many people are not fortunate enough to own several pair of black shoes. If they have a pair of black shoes, that is fine, and if they have a dark striped suit, that is fine too. Of course a solid charcoal is better but it’s better to wear a striped dark suit than a lighter colored suit or chinos.

      1. I have never seen anyone wear Charcoal at a Funeral, only at a wedding, I really shudder to think what sort of education you have.

        OTOH, if it works for you and you and fellow mourners you dont find it disrespectful in your circles that you mix in, feel free to do so.

        James.

        1. Black is the color for mourning, no doubt about that. However, outside of funerals a black suit will not be of any use to most men. So, if you have a black suit, wear it. If you don’t go with something else that’s dark such as charcoal, navy etc.

  17. Dear Raphael ,
    It seems that in the USA you have similar problems as we in Australia . We do though can me get to wear black , and I mean black , like ” Men in Black ” ala Tommy Lee Jones right down to the sunglasses which are not worn over the eye but on top of the head .
    As for the women they wear sunglasses to cover their raw tear torn eyes and take selfies as the hearse arrives .

    The Funeral is about the deceased person and their immediate family and no one else .

  18. I appreciated as well the responses appropriate to the passing of someone. So often one does not know what to say without being trite. While I would not categorically exclude something on the internet from the funeral home, the closer a person is, the more important to make it a personal note as well as a telephone call for example. I keep personal stationery on hand for such an event. It means so much to the bereaved.

  19. In Italy there is the traditions of sending of a telegram of condolence when you can’t attend the funeral and to bring coffee or liquor as a present to the mourning people. My grandpa passed away in May and I have seen different kind of bad taste at the funeral, like old ladies covered in rouge, young ladies that believed to be elegant but they were not different dressed from when they go to parties and in general, people whispering all the time during the celebration. Last year instead, I have been at the funeral of the mother of a friend: well, that woman, paradisuaggia (paradisu agiat, ndr) wanted the people who gathered later in her house, to cheer at her memory with the champagne she brought for the occasion. I think that, all the people do not want to be mourned so hard and painfully, but to be remembered for the best they did.

  20. I appreciate this article, not a big deal but the only thing I would note is that in Scotland we wear kilts often dependant on the deceased. For example when my uncle passed away I wore a kilt, even though the funeral was in Oxford. My kilt pin was one of three pins his father earned in the military, which was passed to me by my mother.

    Tradition is something which I think is very important at a funeral as it is a time for people to reflect on where they came from, history and memories also.

    I believe that if you are attending the funeral of someone of Scottish descent a kilt will always be accepted/appreciated unless the individual had a specific disliking for them.

  21. What a surprise it was to read through this article and find a section on Native American traditions! Thank you so much. I love your website, and as someone who sews and who enjoys the traditions of the past, whether it’s in my world or yours, I do appreciate your inclusion and the chance to learn about the practices of others.
    — RAleksandr, a Lakota woman

    1. Actually, a reader mentioned it and we liked it so much that we added it to the article.

  22. Excellent article, but I would like to hear suggestions for suitable hats to wear at a funeral, and where such hats can be purchased. Hats are necessary to protect one from the elements (cold weather especially) but knit hats and flat caps seem inappropriate.

  23. I am curious here: “• DON’T over accessorize; your goal is to look appropriate and understated. Leave your jewelry at home, skip the lapel pin or flower, and…?” What comes after “and?”

  24. Very nice video. I used to be the head of the Funeral Guild at my church. The guild was a hospitality group to make sure the family fo the deceased and their guests were welcomed and comfortable. We also made sure everyone was where they were supposed to be when they were supposed to be there.
    You cannot imagine some of the things that happened or the outfits people wore. Inappropriate does not ever begin to describe what we as a guild observed. I wish everyone could see this video and read your guide. Thanks for taking on this issue.
    On another note…your hair looks the best it ever has. Just saying….

  25. Very good article…as far as it goes… I must say, however…that the statement in the video that “funerals are becoming extinct”…is patently ridiculous. Mr. Raphael…we in America do not throw our loved ones into trash bins !!!!

  26. Very well written, indeed.

    As one can sadly note, it is more and more common to see youngsters in torn jeans (black at the best) and other leisure clothes. At least this is the case in Sweden, where I live since i was three years old. (Born i Budapest Hungary, escaped with my parents 1956).

    Interesting enough the Swedes usually wear a black suit, white shirt and the closest male family members use a white neck tie. Ladies do seldom use a veil nowadays. The guests usually wear black ties.
    We, on the other hand go by the Hungarian, let’s say Central European habits: Black suits (not gray) and black ties for all gentlemen, no ties with patterns, however understated the pattern may be. This goes for both the closest family members and the guests. And absolutely no pocket square at a funeral! At a Swedish funeral guests are more and more liberal with the style they choose: i.e. some appear in black shirts, ladies can come in brightly coloured dresses – and youngsters, as I wrote, in very different attire.

    But, of course, it is maybe a class question in any country: the more traditional the family / friends – the more strict and traditional the dress code.

  27. Thank you, this was a very simple and straightforward answer to many confusing questions that nobody ever wants to ask.

  28. WHAT ABOUT THE FUNERAL OF SOMEONE WHO WAS A ROTTEN BASTARD AND PEOPLE WENT TO THE FUNERAL JUST TO BE SURE THAT HE WAS IN THE BOX

    1. Well Chuck, unless there is an open coffin at the funeral, you don’t really know, do you? ;) In any case I would probably put on the usual black suit and black tie… Maybe I would be happy the bastard bit the dust, maybe not a day too soon as well, but of course there are nearly alway family, that probably didn’t think the deceased was a rotten bastard and therefor I would not say anything bad about the man at the occasion. You wouldn’t want to hurt somebody, when they are mourning and so vulnerable, would you?
      But most probably I wouldn’t attend the funeral of a person I had reasons to dislike or even hate.

      Talking about open coffin: My partner, of 27 years, is born in Estonia and when her father died I was at the funeral. My partner told me they would have an open coffin, and as I have never experienced this in Sweden, Spain, Hungary, where I have been attending funerals, I was frankly a little taken aback and worried that our, then very young, children would find this scary.
      And yes, a little irritating it was that the undertaker had cut his thick, white hair and produced a ridiculous hair style, very unlike the one we used to. Also it was a little scary to see the sunken in eyes, but this said, as the meticulous, long eulogy, from cradle to death was presented, the many speeches, the different music pieces played (he was a composer / conductor), I actually changed my mind – it was suddenly started to be somehow nice that he “was present” as everything evolved around him. And when the service came to an end, the lid was put on the coffin, family members put the screws in and the coffin was carried away, and family and friends took turns in order to cover the coffin with sand: More speeches, music and a small (provisional) marble sign. Sadly many more members of her family, younger and older have died since then and all lay in open coffins.
      And – very formal, black clothes on practically everybody.

      In Sweden this never happens or at least very seldom: Closed coffin, mostly sinks down to the cellar (if there is a crematorium in the building), or discretely taken away by the undertakers, after the service.
      I have only experienced Jewish funerals here, where there is an actual burial of a coffin.

  29. I have a black artificial rose boutonniere bought specifically for funerals. Would wearing that be unwise?

    1. Roberto, I don’t think it would be inappropriate as such. But of course wearing a boutonniere only works if there is a marked contrast between the flower’s colour and the suit’s. But if you’re wearing a black or dark suit at a funeral plus an equally dark boutonniere there is no contrasting effect.

  30. Excellent article – especially the parts about non-Christian ritual. I agree with the sentiments and would add that as clergyman I would be more bothered by somebody who made another mourner feel uncomfortable by passing comment on their clothes. One never knows where somebody has come from and their relation to the deceased. Impeccable dress sense must be superseded by graciousness and good manners.

  31. I was not aware of this before. But got to know now . thank you for sharing such an incredible post. Keep up the good work

  32. Thank you for the wisdom and guidance of this article, which is needed at this time when the cultural denial of death and the diminishing number of folks attending organized religion have left many unaware of what is expected at these times of loss. Good stuff.

  33. I never considered making a donation when invited to a funeral. My aunt recently passed on and her family is thinking of doing the funeral in a smaller funeral home, mostly because of pricing. I will have to tell them to look online for a good place near their area. Thank you for all these ideas on how to be better with my funeral etiquette.

  34. I love your tip about actually attending the service. A lot of people just forget or prioritize over the commemoration of the loved one. I’ll have to make sure that people show up to my nana’s funeral.

  35. I did a lot of mistake in the funeral of my Grandy. I was not know all the things that you have described in this article very clearly. Now I got all the required information about what to wear and what do to wear in the day of any funeral. And I very agree with these lines “The purpose of the flowers was quite practical. They offset the odor of death and the not-too-perfect embalming process. These days many people regard an overabundance of flowers as an excessive waste of money.” By the way, Thanks a lot for sharing such great important stuff.

  36. Excellent primer on contemporary funeral customs. I worked in this business as a young man and I can verify that customs have changed dramatically in the multiple decades since. Wakes were often held for several days and virtually all visitors were appropriately and respectfully attired. US geographic customs may have varied much the way rural and city did. Today most of traditional decorum is lost. I find it a (further) pathetic decline in public behavior. Casual wear, short sleeve shirts, etc., are readily worn much to this writer’s chagrin. Nonetheless, I seek to always express the utmost respect and when attending, always wear a suit and tie and conservative pocket silk. No excuses. This is never about impressing. It’s always about respect.

  37. A very good article. Lots of relevant information.

    Sorry to be pedantic, but the word is not “internment” which means imprisonment. It is “interment” which means burial in a grave or tomb. I’ve often thought that must be one of the first things that funeral directors learn and that is to let the error pass without comment. Clearly, I wouldn’t make a good funeral director.

    Again, thanks for an interesting and enlightening article.

  38. This article concerning funerals would have to be the most informative article I’ve read on any subject in a long time.

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