How to Speak Like a Gentleman

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We should learn to speak as soon as we learn to talk. I hope the reader forgive me for the wordplay, but more often than not, we find out that our friends and colleagues do not listen to themselves – and if they did, they’d be appalled! We hope this Gentleman’s Gazette article helps you to remember some guidelines for a proper gentleman’s speech, which, we are sure, you did learn before.

Jonathan Swift’s Polite Conversation

Jonathan Swift
Jonathan Swift [Image Credit:  The Culture Trip]

One of the Gulliver’s Travels author last works, A Complete Collection of Genteel and Ingenious Conversation (published in 1738), assembles a list of mortal sins against the art of conversation, which remain valid these days. I’ll list them and make some comments.

A Complete Collection of Genteel and Ingenious Conversation
A Complete Collection of Genteel and Ingenious Conversation [Image Credit: AbeBooks]

Lack of attention of the listener

Stow that smartphone away!
Stow that smartphone away! [Iage Credit: Engadget]

More common than we may think, this peccadillo is rude to the speaker and is equivalent to say, “what is on my mind is more important than what you are saying.” If you are talking to someone, forget the screen – of your phone, tablet, computer, whatever – and look at the interlocutor.

The Active Listener
The Active Listener [Image Credit: Amazon]

In the book The Active Listener, the author – Rodrigo Crespo – says that “active listening requires a considerable amount of effort to enable us to concentrate on the verbal communication and body language of our interlocutor.” No matter how unattractive the subject or how monotonous the rhythm of the speaker, pull up your focus and show you are interested.

Interrupting the speaker or talking at the same time

Talking at the same time
Talking at the same time [Image Credit: The George Washington University]

Yes, I know: everybody is in a hurry these days. But in a conversation, interruptions suggest that you have something more important to say than your interlocutor, an attitude inexcusable for a gentleman. Wait until the speaker finishes the argument and then talk. Try to control your anxiety.

Take notes of points you'll discuss later
Take notes of points you’ll discuss later [Image Credit: Live Law]

If you are on a business or office meeting, take a notepad along and make notes of points you wish to make regarding what is being said; when the occasion arises, express your own position about the subject.

Showing off one’s wit or culture

An uncalled-for exhibition of erudition and unbecoming a gentleman. If you are among friends, they know you know certain subjects well, and so you don’t need to show off.

Nobody knows everything
Nobody knows everything

Or you may have a limited or “almanac” knowledge about a subject and, unknowingly, you have an expert on the same subject at the table. If you start to talk about that theme as if you were a Nobel Prize winner on it, the expert may cut you down to size and you will not feel good.

Milton Berle
Milton Berle [Image Credit: Wikipedia]

A good example that comes to mind concerns Milton Berle, who loved Cuban cigars. He was buying H. Upmann cigars at Saks Fifth Avenue just before the Cuban Embargo. He told this story to Cigar Aficionado:

“When I went into Saks and asked if they had any Upmanns, the salesman said he had a few left. I told him to trot them out, as I’d like to sample one. Which I did. But after a couple of puffs, I pronounced, ‘this is not an Upmann.’ The salesman, a very polite young man, insisted that it was. ‘Well, it doesn’t taste like an Upmann,’ I told him. Now there was a guy with a little mustache sitting on a couch nearby. He interrupted me and said, ‘that’s an Upmann.’ Well, I got testy and cracked, ‘who asked you? I’m buying cigars, and I’m an expert on Upmanns. And I can tell you this is not an Upmann. I don’t know what it is, but this is not an Upmann.’ The guy on the couch said, ‘but I can tell you it is an Upmann.’ Finally, I turned to him and yelled, ‘will you shut up? I’ve had enough of you. Who the hell are you, anyway?’ And he turned to me with a straight face and said, ‘my name is Upmann. H. Upmann. And my father started the Upmann Cigar Company.’ I was never so embarrassed in my life. I felt like crawling out of the place.”

And if you are among acquaintances or colleagues, just let them know – shall it be the case – that you know a thing or two about the subject in question and that you will be glad to deepen it. Try to assess the depth of the conversation and do not force the tone up or down if not needed.

Egoism

A conversation monopolizer
A conversation monopolizer [Image Credit: Forbes]

Needless to say, a good conversation is a two-way street. Do not try to monopolize the subject, and even more so, do not make yourself the main (or sole!) theme of the talk. Even if your professional or personal accomplishments are notable, everyone has nice, sometimes fascinating, stories to tell.

Trying to dominate the conversation or its subject

It seems that everybody is out to be a “leader“, even in conversations. A gentleman convinces the interlocutor with arguments and elegance; he does not raise the volume of his voice to force a point: it is annoying, not elegant. As Glenn O’Brien says in How to Be a Man,

“How often have we encountered a fellow with an “outdoor voice” and wished he had a volume-control knob? Talking too loudly is a basic offense, like standing too closely: it violates the physical conventions of human interaction. Of course, the loud talker is probably unaware of his offense, and it may actually result from his being hard of hearing, but as often as not it results from a bombastic temperament given to boast and bluster.”

Pedantry

The pedant, always ready to criticize someone
The pedant, always ready to criticize someone [Image Credit: Pinterest]

Akin to exhibitionism, pedant is the individual with “a slavish attention to rules, details, etc.”, according to The Free Dictionary; the Oxford dictionary goes the same way, saying it is “an excessive concern with minor details and rules.” It may be a teacher’s or professor’s habit to correct the students, but if you are not in a classroom, control the impulse. In a professional setting, do not correct your colleagues in front of others, even if you are hierarchically above them. Ask for a private meeting and say something like, “I believe you may be mistaken as to (this or that). Please, check the (numbers or facts) again.”

Lack of continuity in the conversation

Turn off the phone during a conversation
Turn off the phone during a conversation [Image Credit: Time Management Ninja]

Some people interrupt a given line of thought in a conversation to talk about something that “has just occurred to me” or to smoke a cigarette outside. This attitude is a conversation killer, to be avoided at all costs.

A permanent jocosity

Don't be the office clown
Don’t be the office clown

Our world is certainly less formal and more democratic than our grandparent’s, but that does not mean you are free to make jokes about everything being said. Over time, this behavior will make you known as “the club (or office, or college) clown”, and you will have a hard time trying to be taken seriously – even when you are dead serious.

A contradiction spirit

A permanent questioning generates stress
A permanent questioning generates stress [Image Credit: Quora]

Some people think that a constant questioning is an evidence of intelligence and wit, but nothing could be further from the truth: it just begets a tense and heavy climate. There is nothing wrong in questioning something every now and then, and you may even insist a little. More than this, only among close friends; otherwise, you will be inconvenient.

Exposing an argument in a frenzied way

The risks of speed-talking
The risks of speed-talking [Image credit: Meetville]

You damage your case, to use a legal jargon. Breathe deeply, organize your thoughts, then speak.

By the way, don’t talk too much, in a non-stop way. There is a saying in sales that apply to many social and professional situations: “shut up after the sale”. Once someone has agreed to something, stop talking. The more you say, the more opportunities they have to change their minds.

Bringing in personal subjects in detriment of general ones

The interests of the many
The interests of the many [Image Credit: The Economist]

Paraphrasing Mr. Spock’s famous quote, “The interests of the many outweigh the interests of the few.” Your recent surgery, the cute tricks of your dog, pictures of your daughter making saliva bubbles are themes not too worthy of attention from your party at a restaurant or from your friends at their place. Try to keep the conversation around general interest themes.

Talking about this, some say that the British liked to wear a tuxedo in social situations because this garment is unbefitting with “business talk”. Thus, gentlemen would feel free to talk about more pleasant subjects, such as horses and women – which, as everybody knows, are the national preferences, in that order…

Avoid dead-end answers

Use these (simple “yes” or “no” answers) only if you are trying to shut down a conversation. Otherwise, elaborate your answers in a way that keeps the exchange going.

Themes to avoid

Since everybody today lives under a certain stress, it is wise to avoid heavy, destructive, negative or unpleasant subjects: diseases, bankruptcy, neighborhood violence, etc. (In Brazil, they say that one should not talk about religion, politics or soccer, but the last two are almost the sole conversation subjects… It seems that we just can’t help it!)

Don't be the spoilsport
Don’t be the spoilsport [Image Credit: Pinterest]

Also, avoid being the spoilsport. Yes, some people smoke, some are fond of a good spirit, some are keen on a juicy steak – things that bring (or at least seem to bring) pleasure. If you managed to quit tobacco or became a vegetarian, good for you. But don’t turn your victory into somebody else’s gloom!

On jokes

Bad jokes
Bad jokes [ImageCredit: AZ Quotes]

There was a time when it was normal for one to tell sexist or racist jokes among friends. Times have changed and many people are aware of the impropriety of those jokes. Do not tell them and do not encourage friends or colleagues who tell them; if someone asks why you are not laughing, just say it is not your kind of humor. It is about time we change things for the better.

Also, avoid gross, pornographic or tasteless jokes. Try to imagine your teenage daughter (or a friend’s) around your group: would you still tell this or that joke to the group? A gentleman should have good taste in every circumstance; there is no such thing as a part-time gentleman.

Finally, avoid the “joke competition”, as in “that is funny, but wait until you guys listen to this one”.

On slang and jargon

Slang dates you
Slang dates you [Image Credit: Slang Linguistics]

Slang is a set of expressions that identify a certain age group. And if you begin to use certain slang expressions, the older members of your group will resent the fact that they are “outsiders” for not knowing what you are talking about. Inversely, if you are older, using the slang of your own youth will instantly “date” you, with undesirable consequences. Besides, slang limits your vocabulary.

 Crutch words, a bad habit
Crutch words, a bad habit [Image Credit: Presentationteam]

Another bad speech habit is the use of “filler” words or sounds. According to an article by dictionary.com, “crutch words slip into sentences in order to give the speaker more time to think or to emphasize a statement. Over time, they become unconscious verbal tics. Most often, crutch words do not add meaning to a statement.” So, when you are elaborating your reasoning and suddenly you miss the best word, make a short pause instead of using an “um”, “you know”, “like”, etc. But make it too long and you will sound like Colin Firth in The King’s Speech!

Foreign languages

Eça de Queiroz
Eça de Queiroz

Eça de Queiroz was one of the greatest Portuguese writers, and in one of his books, he exhorts us to speak badly – as a noble patriot should – any foreign language. As romantic as that notion may sound, we live in a global society. You may have friends or business associates in other countries and it is a nice touch to study and memorize at least one or two phrases to use with them: it is a sign of attention and respect.

The best example may be the French, who are known – with a certain degree of truth – for being zealous of their language, treating with condescendence English speakers, for instance. So, instead of waiting for a bad attitude from the French the next time you visit Paris, memorize some phrases or expressions for your daily needs (bonjour, bon soir, merci, s’il vous plaît, etc.) and the Golden Key: désolé, mon Français est nul, est-ce que vous parlez Anglais? (sorry, my French is bad, do you speak English?) Check the pronounce with Google Translator.

Conclusion

Perhaps you were not the valedictorian of your class, but that does not exempt you from knowing the main tips for a good communication with people around you, in any situation.

 Practice your expressions
Practice your expressions [Image Credit: Fortune]

Practice before a mirror to check your body language and see if your words and your body convey the same message. And never be afraid of saying, “I don’t know”. Nobody knows everything – but you may always check with Google and return with an answer…

Outfit Rundown

 I’m wearing a combination of two suits. I used the pants and matching vest from one suit and paired them with a jacket of another. In my opinion, it’s very easy to create an entirely different look without having to invest in new garments. It looks particularly handsome if you combine a patterned suit with a solid jacket.

Raphael looking dapper in navy jacket, houndstooth flannel pants and vest.
Raphael looks dapper in a navy jacket, houndstooth flannel pants, and vest.
Navy and Yellow Shadow Stripe Ribbed Socks Fil d'Ecosse Cotton - Fort Belvedere

Fort Belvedere

Navy and Yellow Shadow Stripe Ribbed Socks Fil d'Ecosse Cotton

Paisley Madder Silk Tie in Buff Pale Yellow with Red Black - Fort Belvedere

Fort Belvedere

Paisley Madder Silk Tie in Buff Pale Yellow with Red Black

A photo of a Pocket Square with Monogram Initial Classic White Irish Linen

Fort Belvedere

Pocket Square with Monogram Initial Classic White Irish Linen

White Phlox Boutonniere Buttonhole Flower

Fort Belvedere

White Phlox Boutonniere Buttonhole Flower

In this case, I’m using pants and vests made out of a houndstooth flannel paired with a navy solid worsted. I chose to go with a white dress shirt with a classic collar for a crisp appearance. I paired it with a white pocket square and a white and yellow boutonniere lapel flower that ties together the white of the shirt as well as the buff pale yellow tie with a bolder larger paisley pattern in red and black. My shadow striped socks in cotton which are gray and light gray worked very well with the pants but the scale of the pattern is different. For my shoes, I opted for a reddish-brown pair of double monk straps which go well with the red tones in my tie as well as the silver ring with carnelian on my finger.

Reader Comments

  1. I’ll add the suggestion of two words to void unless absolutely appropriate: “amazing” and “awesome.”

  2. Sir, I happened to be in search of a capable speaker and writer because I feel, now that I am Head of the Commonwealth, that I should have a signature tune, and following the example set by my illustrious ancestor Henry VIII who wrote “Greensleeves” and “I’m Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am” would prefer one of my own composition but find that my muse deserts me having got as far as I’m Charles the Third I am, Charles the Third I am, I am. Would you perhaps oblige by finishing the lyric for me.

  3. Going over speaking foreign languages, when it comes to French and Japanese, if you are not dead-on fluent in those languages, you are better off just acknowledging your native interlocutor that you’re bad on it as suggested above, rather than attempting to speak few words with a bad pronunciation.
    There’s nothing more annoying to a French and a Japanese than a foreigner trying to practice their language with them during a conversation.

    1. I agree to your point. I would even say that is not only true for French and Japanese, although you might be right that the latter one can be especially tricky.

      At least I might say out of my experience as an expat German that people trying to converse in my native language with some clumsy phrases made for quite some awkward moments. I think the important aspect is that communication should be as fluent as possible and therefore mostly happen in a language both interlocutors speak with a sufficient proficiency.

  4. The art of initiating good conversation is to ask open questions of the person you are conversing with. This shows interest in & respect for them, conveys that you value what they have to say, & opens up the dialogue further.

  5. I have a rudimentary grasp of French and when I was in Paris, as well as Quebec, I spoke French as much as possible with the native speakers. I was treated with deep respect and thanks for this, nobody was upset if I made a mistake.

  6. Regarding foreign languages, my experience has been that any good-will attempt to speak the other person’s language is usually greatly appreciated, after which point the victim will revert to the language optimal for both parties.

    However, continuing to attempt to converse in a language that you don’t know as well as the other chap knows yours is just pointless as well as rude.

  7. Unfortunately in Portland, OR you’ll find yourself (1) anodyne, innocent comment from “triggering” a random person’s inner sewshallist. You’re under verbal assault in seconds. But the broader lesson is to never draw assumption ONE w/ these people. Even if it *is* the 4th of July, and you’re um.., co-attending a patriotic event. Don’t say anything that could *possibly* misconstrued as love of country. It’s like they’re here against their own freewill.

    There ARE no civil or gentlemanly ‘conversations’ w/ these people. They’ll pull the old semantic ploy of prefacing their agenda by saying “you’re a really smart guy so..,” That way if you in ANY way disagree w/ their [faulty] and hopelessly broken talking point, you’ve just labeled yourself an ‘idiot’. Checkmate..! Bwahahaha…

    Sadly, conversation is DOA in purple Portland. It’s all virtue signaling and empty memes to quickly deduce you’re not a “woke person”. Bring everything from a gender neutral/spreading the wealth around perspective or don’t bring it at all. Kind of hard to be the adult in the conversation when all they’re focusing on is [one] keyword or phrase where they can dismiss you and your entire worldview in one single instant. They will openly seek you out so they can practice.

    You can’t even make common sense ( what should be consensual ) observations. Like the checkout line is taking too long or it’s um, over 100 degrees out… They’ve got progressive spins for everything. Unless you’re comfortably in an affinity group or private club etc., best not to say a WORD or even acknowledge these people. They know all ABOUT you without your even saying a word. 2 years and counting. We’ll come back in the Summer to visit the kids and that’s about it….

    1. MattD, this June I travel from the methodical and often-times-viewed-as mediocre Midwest to the elitist empire of Portland to visit my sister and her husband who recently moved to Portland to be with their West Coast-inculcated Millennial daughter and son-in-law and their two young children. Your words of warning will resonate with me as I drive towards the setting sun over the progressive Pacific Northwest. I will dress like a gentleman and be one, but my lips will be sealed!

  8. Dear Raphael and Marcello ,

    Aside from elemental manners required to conduct good conversation ( which to some is a gift ) reading good literature plus travel to interesting place with strange names can only help development to better technique .
    Some suggested reading woul be to turn to the likes of Walt Whitman , Mark Twain and Wiliam Somerset Maugham . The way that word and prose was put together by these masters can only influence any person in this want of self improvement .
    One mouth and two ears per person is a major consideration as well .

  9. A good source for conversational instruction may be found in the old men’s “how to be a gentleman” books. 19th and early 20th centuries. Available free at Project Gutenberg. In search, input “bachelor” “Gentleman’s” and the like.

  10. That was an excellent guide, my compliments. This topic is so important, especially today, as it underlines that being a gentleman is about much more than appearance. What would be useful to expand upon, in my opinion, is what to do when faced with an interlocutor who does not follow these suggestions. What I personally find most irritating, for instance, is when the other person starts to speak loudly, and in some cultures, this happens quite regularly. Do they seriously think that loudness is better than logic? Why do they so often have to resort to that to dominate a discussion? You can maintain your own tone, but sometimes these boors just contiune into oblivion.

    1. I had to laugh at the reference to the individual with the outside voice and wishing they came with a volume control. I have dealt with many like this and I chalk it up to defensiveness, desire to dominate, desire to win, and a desire to avoid appearing weak. I have dealt with such people in varying ways. If I will be in a meeting with them I sometimes ‘prep the battlefield’ by meeting with the meeting facilitator ahead of time to ensure that i have an opportunity to present what I need to and avoid a meeting steamroll. The best thing that I have found, however, is to continuously strive to excel in my competence and effectiveness. Build reputation in those directions and your measured, reasonable, logical and experienced voice can shut down the worst boor. Unless they have some kind of organizational power over you or some other issue that causes ungentlemanly and dominating behavior but it might be time to escape the organization then.

  11. I found Cardinal John Henry Newman’s “Definition of a Gentleman” compelling reading – and a fine piece of prose indeed.

    Just an excerpt:
    “It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain. (…) He has his eyes on all his company. He is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd. He can recollect to whom he is speaking, he guards against unseasonable allusions or topics which may irritate. He is seldom prominent in conversation and never wearisome. He makes light of favours while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring. He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort, he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best. He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments, or insinuates evil which he dare not say out.”

    But as the topic is “How to SPEAK like a Gentleman” it should also be noted that namely in England intonation and accent come into it as well: “As soon as an Englishman opens his mouth you know which school he did not attend.” You may have refined manners, you may be well attired and of an agreeable disposition – but if your accent could be mistaken for that of a Premier League footballer you might be considered a gentle man – but never a gentleman. It may be different in the US, but I remember my favourite professor at university many moons ago. At the time he must have been in his early seventies and he was an American, but to our surprise – he sounded almost as if he were British. He explained to us he hailed from New England and that in his days it was considered “unrefined” to have a strong American accent. He spoke with what is known as a “Transatlantic Accent”.

    Today, I usually advise my students to watch videos featuring British Tory politician Jacob Rees-Mogg. They can’t go wrong with “The Mogg”: intonation, accent, sense of humour, manners, dress sense and political views. In fact, he alone might warrant an article in the “Gentleman’s Gazette”.

    And on a sidenote: I recently came across an old cassette tape with a recording of what I sounded like at the tender age of, say 12 or 13 in the 1970ies. I burst out laughing: I had tried to model my own accent on that of one of my boyhood heroes: the Rhodesian Foreign Minister, P. K. van der Byl. With some hilarious success, I daresay: I sounded like a high-pitched parody of a British cavalry officer, complete with a nasal twang and a stutter. Watch Youtube videos of P. K. van der Byl – and imagine that from a 13 year old!

  12. Interesting. However you are completely wrong in suggesting that British men never touch each other, this is simply not the case.

    1. In all my conversations in Britain, no man ever touch me apart from the handshake of course, but that’s not what I meant. I am sure some men touch each other’s arm etc but the point is that they do it less often than in cultures that are closer to the equator.

      1. Most of the english gentlemen I know hug each other when they meet, and some even kiss on the cheek. Personaly I wouldn’t feel comfortable kissing another man, but it is surprising how much peoples interactions have changed. I do get the point you are making Sven and a few years ago I would have agreed with you, but not now. I do wonder if it is an age thing as most of the chaps I know and associate with are in the 40-65 age range. Maybe younger men are more reticent or more insecure on this issue? Thank you for all your hard work I do enjoy your site.

        1. There was a study done which I read about when I was teaching business writing in the past that indicated how many times two people in conversation touched per hour depending on the country of speakers. In Southern Europe it was fairly high, for example, but in the UK it was 1 time an hour. Here’s an interesting related article with some data: https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2015/10/europeans-comfort-touch-social-bonds/412861/

  13. I believe the advent of miniaturised communication (think Text and Twitter) is at least partly responsible for the downfall of good communication practice and conversation etiquette in the general populace.

    1. Andrew, as a larger related trend, focusing entirely on one’s mobile device is often an excuse to avoid conversation with strangers altogether. We have indeed become less sociable as a whole.

  14. It’s hard to speak like a gentleman when one is surrounded by idiots!

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