Dealing With Confrontation Like A Gentleman

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Very few people enjoy confrontation. It often stresses us out and it brings out the worst in us. It’s actually a unique subject to me because I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota where people are traditionally extremely anti-confrontational. And I’m natively from Germany where people are much more outspoken and vocal which leads to more confrontation. No matter where you live or how much you dislike it, you will still have to deal with confrontation

Approaches To Confrontation

Extremely Passive Aggressive

Passive aggressive people are people who are averse to conflicts will deliberately be inefficient. They may not communicate or they may simply pout.

Extremely Aggressive

On the other hand, high conflict people often have an all-or-nothing attitude. They have elements of victim blaming and they’re very aggressive and they look at it more like a battle.

In my experience neither style is productive to actually solve a conflict. So, here is how you can actually get some results.

Avoid being too aggressive
Avoid being too aggressive [Image Credit: LinkedIn]

Keep in mind that the goal of a confrontation is that you solve an issue and improve things. In order to get there, you need to have an open and honest conversation about the issues without being hurtful.

Common Myth: Confrontation = Bad

I would argue confrontations are not bad. The core is just a disagreement between one person and another. We’re all individuals and because of that, there will be confrontations. Just look at a confrontation as a starting point. Rather than trying to avoid it and feeling bad about yourself or others or angry, it’s better to tackle the issue right on. Avoidance will not solve your problems, they will just amplify them and make you feel bad. You may have some bad experiences of confrontations in the past and I hear you, but that doesn’t mean that all future confrontations will end the same way especially if you utilize the points outlined in the video. Keep in mind that you can be assertive and kind at the same time the choice of words are extremely important.

How To Handle A Confrontation Like A Gentleman

It All Starts With You

Take ownership of your issues with confrontation or maybe the elements that contribute to it. Most people I know range anywhere from being a complete pushover who goes along with anything the other person says to a constant aggressor who always wants to tell other people what to do and what is right. Both extremes are unhealthy in the long run and it really helps to put you in an uncomfortable position to try working against it. So if you are generally more of a pushover person that is easily influenced by others try to stand up for yourself and have not others dictate what you do.

Confronting the jerk in private is the best thing to do
Be open to confrontation

On the other hand, if you’re aggressive, it may get you sometimes what you want, but in the end, it just makes you a bully that is not liked by others. In the long run, it will hurt you and your reputation. If you’re mad at someone or you disagree with them chances are you have been doing something that contributed to that situation. If you admit that you make a mistake you don’t all of a sudden lose all credibility. On a contrary, it shows that you’re self-reflective and that you’re open and vulnerable. By leading with an apology and recommitting to a better outcome is it will likely instill a similar behavior with your confrontation partner.

For example, if I’m unhappy with a co-worker because he’s constantly late and I feel disrespected and I feel like my time is wasted I shouldn’t just phrase it that way. Instead, you could say, “You know in the past I know I haven’t always been on time for our meetings. I sometimes had to deal with my daughter, but I promise I’ll do my best to be on time in the future. Lately, I noticed that our meetings haven’t started on time and when you come late to meetings it really makes me feel undervalued and disrespected and I would like to ask you to really recommit to our meetings and try to start them on time.” By making it more about you and how you feel and by avoiding extremes and superlatives, the other person won’t feel as attacked.

Ask What They Think And Feel

As a next step, you can ask them what they think about it, what their feelings are that shows them that you care about what they have to say. Even though you might think the other person is probably to blame for an issue. Think of it this way, you’re two people and so you’re 50% of the confrontation. Take responsibility for your part and I promise you the resolution will be easier and better for both of you.

Hear the thoughts and feelings of the other party.
Hear the thoughts and feelings of the other party. [Image Credit: Lynne McTaggart]

Going with a mindset of a mutually beneficial resolution rather than I want to win and I want to be right. Someone with a legal background, that’s quite hard but it’s not good to resolve a confrontation outside the courtroom. Especially, if you’re afraid of a conversation you may want to wait for a “good time.” The problem with that is there is no such thing as a good time for a confrontation and the best time is right now. Of course there’s a caveat, ideally, you have a confrontation in person or at the least over the phone. Doing it over text message or email will just prolong the whole conflict and on top of that, it’s hard to read into words because you don’t see how people say things and there’s no tone to the words. So try to have it in person or at least on the phone so people can really see what you mean.

Stay Calm

It’s very important to stay calm even if the other person is riled up. In those situations, it can help to have a pause in there and just keep your composure and don’t tell them what to do but lead by example. If someone screams at you and you scream back they have dragged you down to their level.

Stay calm when confronted
Stay calm when confronted. [Image Credit: Hire Hive]

Genuinely Listen

The next point is to genuinely listen to what the other person has to say. If you mentally prepare your answer all the while the other person is talking you’re not really absorbing what they’re saying what their core issue is. Sometimes confrontations can be easily resolved because it’s just a feeling that is hurt or something that you don’t even do intentionally but you’re in fact hurting another person. To ensure they understand, listen. It’s best to paraphrase what they said in a sentence with your own words.

Steer Clear Of Absolutes

In a confrontation, always stay clear of absolutes. Using things like, “Oh you never clean the dishes,” or “You always leave your socks on the table,” will not get you any further. It also provides ammunition for the other side to point out singular cases where those things weren’t the case and then make you look like you’re just over exaggerating.

Don't exaggerate your statements with absolutes
Don’t exaggerate your statements with absolutes

“I” Statements

Rather than blaming the other party, try to stick to “I” statements and talk about how it makes you feel. This not only forces you to focus on your side of the conversation but it makes the other person feel less attacked. For example, rather than saying, “You never show up on time.” you could say, “I feel disrespected when we can’t start the meeting on time.” Do you see? I made it about me and my feelings not about them. If they think about it they know I feel disrespected and we start late because of them but I haven’t said that and they have made that transfer knowledge in their brain and therefore they are more open to change.

Focus On One Issue

Last but not least, try to address just one issue at a time. It’s very easy to put all kinds of different things into one argument but that will rarely help you to resolve anything.

Conclusion

Ultimately there’s no cooking recipe or perfect solution to resolve every conflict but these concepts will surely help you to get a result that is mutually beneficial. It makes you feel better about yourself, the issue and the other party.

Reader Comments

  1. Raphael, this is a great video. Good thoughts on handling confrontation like an adult. The most funny part of listening to people speaking in German is that they always sound angry, even when they are happy.

  2. Good content all around. My only reservation would be that your bar for confrontation is a might low. That said all men and especially a man who aspires to be a gentleman has to learn to solve and resolve with grace and equanimity. Keep up the good work.

  3. i truly wish that I could aggree with all your advice, but the truth is when dealing with people it is important to know personailty types. Someone may be constantly late as a sign of defiance, another may just be disoraganized, another may just feel it’s not that big a deal. A gentleman is a person who strives to make others comfortable, but there are those who take this effort as a weakness. It is not ungentlemanly to bear down on crass behaviour. I used various techniques in responce to agressive personality types. If someone says to me “Your too sensitive”- I come back with “no need to get personal.” This calm response repels the attempt to place me on the defensive and instead puts the attacker on his heels. Finally it comes down to respect. Respect is not always equally given and from time to time must be instilled via dicipline.

  4. What about when the person with whom there is a conflict does not follow the rules? If the other party addresses me with extreme aggression, or even profanity, what then?

    1. Tell them you like it when they talk dirty .
      I am now 66 years old and never in my life have I had to deal with an aggressive situation . Maybe I have just been lucky or perhaps people can get a reading on me that I am not the type to get on the wrong side off .
      The only situations I never found pleasant was when I had to fire somebody ; sometime it really distressed me .
      There is a great book out there written maybe 100 years ago ;
      “How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie . The first chapter will change you and the world around you .

  5. Please allow me to provide an an example from my personal experience. I was being concidered for promotion and my principal competitor had arranged for a conflict with a worker during a test run which included being observed by an upper management representative.

    The man who claimed I was abusive to him was not a strong personality and I knew this. I brought him into a meeting with the representative and myself. Upon entering the room I commented that the worker appeared unwilling to resolve anything. He replied that in fact he was, I pointed out that his crossed arms and set jaw indicated otherwise. His face and arms immediatley went slack and from that point on his confrontational attitude was defused.

    He was able to admit that he had no problem with me as supervisor until it was explained to him by my opposition exactly what was wrong with me. And he came to hate me. As I said, this man is not a strong personality.

    By handling him gently I was able to impress upper management that I could overcome office politics and bring potential enemies to my side of the issue.

    As to the architect of this smear campaign? He made a huge show of his long standing support of my promotion and attempted to create a place for himself as my “buddy.” Of course I took no revenge, but I made sure not to give him any special attention at all.

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