How to Curse Like a Gentleman

Cursing is a part of human language that has existed for centuries, but can it be done in a gentlemanly manner? Let’s find out how to curse like a gentleman.

Why Do People Curse?

Before discussing why a gentleman might want to curse, let’s discover why people curse at all. By whatever name you know them—be they curse words, swear words, expletives, or vulgarities, among others—all of these kinds of words are examples of profanities. These are offensive words meant to impart some particular shade of meaning that can’t be conveyed with regular speech.

The Roots of Profanity

Profanity is often tied to societal taboos, which is why these words are considered offensive. Some curses are blasphemous, involving religion by cursing in the name of a deity or taking a deity’s name in vain. Others reference body parts or actions considered unclean, such as sexual or digestive organs and processes.

Examples of all of these types are mentioned in comedian George Carlin’s famous routine on Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television.

Five Types of Cursing

Canadian-American academic Steven Pinker has identified five distinct types of cursing, each with its own purpose and context:

1. Abusive Cursing

The first is abusive, which is intended to insult or even threaten. Some excellent examples in Early Modern English can be found in Shakespeare’s Henry IV, Part 1, with the following quote: “You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stockfish!”

2. Cathartic Cursing

Next is cathartic cursing, which is used in response to misfortune and is intended to ameliorate a misfortune. It’s mostly intended as an emotional release. For instance, if you stub your toe, letting out an expletive might help you cope with the pain.

3. Dysphemistic Cursing

Dysphemistic cursing is intended to negatively contextualize an assessment. A good example of this is found in Ben Jonson’s Volpone: “Take of my hand, thou strik’st on truth in all. And they are envious term thee parasite.”

4. Emphatic Cursing

Next is emphatic cursing, which is used to emphasize or make explicit—hence, the term expletives. A quote from P.G. Wodehouse serves us well here: “By Jove, you think of everything, Jeeves!”

5. Idiomatic Cursing

This brings us to idiomatic cursing, which is essentially cursing because everyone else is doing it. This is what leads all of us to become desensitized to the f-word after exposure to language-heavy media like The Sopranos or films by Martin Scorsese.

The Cultural Context of Cursing

We should also acknowledge that the severity of certain curse words—or cursing in general—can vary based on location.

When and Where to Curse: The Gentlemanly Approach to Cursing

As we’ll cover now, time and place have a major impact on the gentlemanliness of cursing. The first step to cursing like a gentleman is, ironically, knowing when and where not to curse.

Spaces to Avoid Cursing

We’ll cover exceptions to these guidelines, but in general, you should avoid cursing in any space that has a formal or decorous atmosphere. These spaces include, but aren’t limited to, houses of worship, government offices, legal institutions, or artistic venues. In many cases, you should also avoid cursing in a professional environment as having a potty mouth in the workplace is poor form.

Historically, it was asserted that men should never curse in front of women or children. Of course, it’s infantilizing and absurd to believe that no woman can handle being around cursing in the modern world, but it’s still a good idea to avoid cursing around anyone to whom you want to show special respect. After all, many people interpret curse words as inherently disrespectful.

The prohibition against cursing in front of children still stands. Unless you happen to be the child’s parent, you don’t have the prerogative to introduce them to fun new words.

Respecting Boundaries

Avoid cursing around strangers, as they’re more likely to interpret curse words as disrespectful or even threatening because they don’t know you personally. You should also avoid cursing around people who are trying to help you. These include service industry employees, such as waiters or customer service representatives, and emergency services professionals, such as doctors, nurses, or first responders.

Cursing around those over whom you have some authority is also poor form. Because of the power imbalance, they might be less likely to speak out if they dislike cursing for fear of reprisal.

In general, older people are more accustomed to social mores that frown upon swearing, so it’s best to avoid it around senior citizens.

To ensure that you don’t upset someone who finds cursing objectionable, it’s a good idea to refrain from cursing around someone whom you’ve never heard of before.

Finding a Happy Medium

That being said, cursing has always played a role in human conversation under certain circumstances. It appears in the works of William Shakespeare, Jonathan Swift, Charles Dickens, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, just to name a few. As former Detroit mayor Coleman Young put it:

“Swearing is an art form: you can express yourself much more directly, much more exactly, much more succinctly with properly used curse words.”

Coleman Young

Cursing as an expressive phenomenon is only becoming more normalized today. So, while cursing is always a risk, that doesn’t mean that you have to abstain from it entirely. Because it’s impossible to move through life without offending some people, you should find a happy medium between using curse words to express yourself authentically while also being considerate of those around you.

Situations Where Cursing Makes Sense

For some situations in which it might make sense to curse, let’s consider the following questions.

Do you need to convey a strong emotion?

If your brother tells you that an anonymous car thief smashed his windows, exclaiming, “What a (censored expletive)!” would not be remiss.

Do you need to dramatically emphasize a point?

Hyping up your softball team with a cry of, “Let’s give’em hell!” is more likely to inspire team spirit than to engender offense.

Would cursing help to get your point across?

Admitting to a trusted mentor that if you don’t get a project completed on time, “I’m (censored expletive),” helps to make clear how serious you consider the situation.

Conversely, you can use cursing to commiserate, like if a friend says that he ruined a new suit by spilling red wine all over himself. It would make sense to reply, “Man, I’m sorry, life’s a (censored expletive).”

In some cases, cursing can even be humorous, especially in raucous or ribald situations. Think of the sharp, blue humor used by entertainers like Dean Martin, Phil Harris, Rodney Dangerfield, or George Carlin. However, it’s essential to consider your audience when using humor of this kind.

How to Curse Like a Gentleman

If you do opt to employ curse words, we strongly suggest that you employ them sparingly. This is partly because the more they’re used, the more likely you are to offend someone, but also because if curse words are meant to convey emphasis, then overusing them will blunt their effect or even cause them to become meaningless.

The phrase “Ah nuts” was once considered inappropriate for films, but regular use first made it an everyday occurrence, and now it’s seen as almost quaint. Ultimately, curse words can only serve their purpose of conveying strong emotion if they’re used rarely.

Assess the Situation

Let’s combine everything that we’ve learned so far to establish some firmer guidelines for how to curse like a gentleman. Most importantly, ask yourself if you can reasonably assume that this is an acceptable situation in which to curse.

Is it a situation in which cursing might be expected, like a card game with friends, or one in which it would ruin the atmosphere, like an elementary school graduation ceremony? Are you fairly certain that no one present would be obviously offended?

Again, it’s better to curse among friends than with representatives for the League of Decorum In Everyday Speech. Will cursing in some way improve what you’re going to say? In other words, will it add emphasis, weight, humor, or seriousness, or are you only cursing because you can’t think of better ways to express yourself?

Curse Situations, Not People

And, finally, are you cursing about a situation or a human being? Inanimate objects and circumstances can’t be upset, so cursing in reference to them will only offend others vicariously. For example, if your car won’t start in the morning, calling it a “son of a (censored expletive)” isn’t going to hurt its feelings.

Cursing at People: A Rare Exception

A gentleman always endeavors to make others feel respected; however, situations in which you can curse at a person in a gentlemanly way are much rarer. A gentleman never uses curse words to threaten, hurt, or manipulate someone else. That also means, of course, that a gentleman never uses slurs.

We firmly believe that slurs shouldn’t be used, except if and when reclaimed by the groups or individuals at whom they were historically directed.

Meanwhile, if you do find yourself using a curse word in reference to someone else, distinguish between cursing about an action someone has taken, which might require strong language, and cursing about something intrinsic to their being, which is never justified.

Remember, gentlemen may sometimes curse circumstances but almost never curse people.

Remember, gentlemen may sometimes curse circumstances but almost never curse people.

How to Apologize for Cursing

Of course, the fact of the matter is that cursing often occurs in the heat of a very heightened and dramatic moment, and it’s entirely possible that at that moment, all of this good advice will fly out of your head.

If You’ve Offended Someone

If that happens, and you suspect or recognize that you have given offense, simply apologize. Say something like,

If applicable, reassure the person in question that you’re not angry at them. Say something like,

If You Were Overheard

And if your curse was directed at a person who happened to hear it, say something like,

So, in simplest terms, the best thing to do is apologize.

Conclusion

In conclusion, if cursing is an important part of how you express yourself in certain circumstances as an adult, you can do it—but cursing like a gentleman means doing so in a way that minimizes the potential hurt to others. That’s why you should usually only curse situations, not people, and only when it’s appropriate to do so.

And when in doubt, it’s always better to control yourself and avoid cursing altogether rather than risk upsetting someone. As the old saying goes:

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, it’s better not to say anything at all.”

Do you think it’s possible to curse like a gentleman? If so, how? Let us know in the comments! And for a bit of extra fun, share some of your favorite substitutes for curse words. But please keep it clean—we moderate our comments. We swear!