We probably had a boss who was a jerk, maybe a neighbor, a family member, a friend, or someone else who’s close to you. I mean, frankly, we’re all jerks sometimes; if we have bad nights of sleep, maybe if we were sick, or if we just have another thing to deal with, we can all behave like a jerk, however, we’re talking more about people who are constantly and unapologetically a jerk.
The weird thing is that being a jerk is sometimes correlated to being successful. For example, Steve Jobs was a bonafide jerk yet he was very successful. So just because you’re a jerk doesn’t mean you’re automatically successful. Often, it’s the opposite.
what exactly is a jerk and how can you earn respect without being one?
In a nutshell, jerks are stubborn, they’re just full of themselves, they just care about themselves, they’re not open to criticism or change, and they’re just about winning, putting others down, and getting ahead in life no matter the cost.
Blame Bias
Interestingly when surveyed, a lot more people describe being subject to oppression of jerks rather than admitting to being one themselves. That means there are a lot of people who are jerks but they don’t think of themselves as being a jerk, this is called the blame bias. When we see behavior in others, we assume that they’re trying to be a jerk and mean about things yet when we do the exact same thing, we have different motives and we don’t think of ourselves as being a jerk, when in fact, other people assume we are. When people behave badly, they often think of it as being justified but they’re the only one thinking that way, all the others just think you’re a jerk. The bigger problem with this behavior is that it can be contagious and other people can act in the same way and then it brings down the entire community.
2 Types Of Jerks
The Clueless Jerk
Simply put, a clueless jerk is a first time offender. Dealing with a clueless jerk is easy because they actually might mean well and they simply just don’t know about it.
The Unrepentant Jerk
This jerk is downright self-centered. Unfortunately, there’s not a cooking recipe to deal with this kind, however, chances are they’re not likely or easily going to change.
When Dealing With Jerks,Make Sure You Are Not One Yourself & Take Action
Simply accepting the behavior of jerks or just letting it go is not going to make the situation better or resolve anything. You’re instead empowering the jerks to continue doing what they do because they see no obstacle in behaving that way. Jerks are often stubborn and are unlikely to change so you have to do something because that’s something you can control.
Privately Confront The “Jerk”
The best way to deal with it is to take that person aside in a private moment and address the issue. Don’t address it in front of a group where they can feel attacked or where they feel particularly vulnerable, take them aside so no one else can see it, have a word with them, and explain what you’ve seen. A clueless jerk will likely apologize, be sorry about it, and promise to change. It’s important to focus on their behavior, not them as a person, otherwise, they’re likely to shut down and not take any of your criticism.
Have A Remedy In Mind
Do not just throw something out there and expect them to come up with a solution. Again, don’t tell people what they should or should not do. Rather, share maybe an experience of a similar situation which really helped to come to a solution. That way, the clueless jerk will think they came up with a solution and because of that, they’re much more likely to act on it rather than if you tell them what they should or should not do. Now, when you’ve dealt with jerks, you probably assume that they’re not a clueless jerk because to you, it seems obvious they are unrepentant and they do it because they enjoy it but that is part of the blame bias and it’s best for you to assume that everyone is a clueless jerk and therefore, you should always, as a first step, take them aside privately and approach them in the way just described.
Consider The Power Dynamics
Also, the power dynamics in a relationship are hugely important. If the jerk is a parent or a boss and you feel powerless, it’s best to ignore those people, walk away from them, and politely decline to even engage in a conversation with them. Simply ignore them and take out the steam of their behavior that way.
Make The Change
This step applies to unrepentant jerks. It means it’s time to change for YOU. You either have to quit, transfer to a different department, or maybe end the relationship because if you address their behavior directly with your superior, chances are they’re gonna retaliate against you and make your life even worse.
Walk Away
Now, if the power dynamics are equal and it’s someone like a friend, a sibling, or a colleague, you are at the same level, you have a few different options. The one is to simply shun them, ignore them, exclude them from events, and have a certain icy politeness showing you don’t want to have anything to do with them, you don’t want to listen to them, and you don’t want to be around them.
Fight Fire With Fire
Now, this is very risky because a jerk will drag you down to their level and beat you there with experience. So if a jerk yells at you, it’s not wise to yell back but you can speak up, you can confront them, and tell them that it’s not okay. You can even do so in front of others and see if that makes a change. If it doesn’t, chances are it’s best simply to ignore them and again, quit that relationship or try to move in a place where you don’t have to deal with that kind of behavior. If quitting is not an option, fighting fire with fire is your only option and that unrepentant jerk really understands that language so it may lead you somewhere but be careful.
Now, what about if you have a jerk who is your employee or your subordinate? In that case, things are a lot easier. Basically, you use your power and your force to require change; you take them aside, you address the issue, you tell them what needs to happen, and if it doesn’t happen, you simply fire them and you just have to stick to that.
Do Not Give A S***
This is the most difficult one and it often requires a lot of good acting and self-discipline but ultimately, if you can show people that you don’t care either about their behavior or about them, it makes them rethink their behavior simply because a jerk wants attention and if you don’t give them attention and if you don’t give them gratification, they may deflate and maybe they’ll move on and you can stay where you are. In my opinion, it’s one of the hardest approaches because it requires a lot of willpower on your end.
CONCLUSION
Jerks are everywhere. You should always assume that if you encounter them that they’re clueless jerks, take them aside privately, tell them about it. If they still don’t correct their behavior, they are unrepentant jerks and you have the choice to deal with that; you can either shun them, ignore them, or fight fire with fire.
Appeasement is a losing strategy. Jerks must ALWAYS be confronted. If they are acting like a jerk publicly then publicly it is. For a true jerk, everything is about power and influence. How can one display power over another without an audience?
I keep certain phrases ready for “put down” comments. For example, I had a boss who was worried that I would get promoted over him so he would ask me operational questions in front of decision makers that he believed I could not answer. When I always had the proper response, he said “You have an answer for everything” I smiled and said “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
the decision makers saw my answers as proof of my knowledge of the job and my come back as proof that I could handle people in a firm intelligent manner. I got the promotion.
I display a respectful demeanor at all times but I am always ready to stand up to Jerks, A-holes, Bully’s, Trolls etc. If you understand that this personality type operates out of fear of being irrelevant, you can master them easily while gaining the respect of the audience with whom they surround themselves.
I found this video extremely beneficial. Well presented and well explained. I have a good idea now what to do with the nincompoops in my life of which there are many sadly !!!
I agree. This does work most of the time. And I really appreciate it that you are covering all aspects of being a Gentleman and not merely dressing.
Some of the jerks are also foolish along with being unrepentant or clueless. They are most difficult to deal with.
One of the best ways to deal with jerks is don’t vote for them, or if too many people have, vote them out of office the next time they are up for election. For those jerks that don’t enter politics, a polite prolonged throttling of the windpipe can often turn the situation around to your advantage.
Your point is well taken. HOWEVER. I enjoy your site and this should be taken as a comment from a friend.
This post in my view borders on “Jerk”. I suspect most viewers of this site, myself included, visit for insight to mens clothing/issues. I don’t see any certified degrees in physco analysis profferd here.
Continue with the menswear commentary and we will continue to enjoy.
Dear Guy,
We help men to be gentlemen, and while we often have a focus on clothing it never hurts to broaden one’s horizon to other areas of being a gentleman. Whether that is table manners and etiquette or how to deal with people who are a jerk towards you maybe because you are well dressed.
We always try to be honest in our title – what you see is what you get and not just clickbait. Therefore I trust that you can decide for yourself what articles to read and which ones to skip.
WOW! That was quick! Removal/purge of a response from a longtime viewer of the “Gazette”. Is a infrequent opposit view a non publish thing? What’s up?? Nothing improper in that post.
Forgive the narcissist. They’re only making you a quiet “side hustle millionaire” in the making. That awesome moment when your former narcissist employer finds out you’re now a [side hustle millionaire], thanks to their actions of having you wrongfully and secretly terminated. A blessing in disguise. Jokes on them! :-)
Thank you SRS, for courageously offering support from a layperson’s perspective on this widespread social pathology. The timing of this article prior to the unfoldment of this weekend’s social shenanigans is particularly appropriate. It is sound general advice and doesn’t move into territory that would be better handled by a psychological professional. Keep up the good work.
Thank you SRS, for courageously offering support from a layperson’s perspective on this widespread social pathology. The saying- “…manners maketh man…” definitely applies here. The timing of this article prior to the unfoldment of this weekend’s social shenanigans is particularly appropriate. You have provided sound general advice and haven’t moved into territory that would be better handled by a psychological professional. Keep up the good work.
NB. Upon examination of the picture of Mr Jobs’ in his work uniform , I submit that perhaps he was a jerk out of necessity.
Respectfully, I submit that we are products of Nature & Nurture (google epigenetics)) and that “jerks” are products of their environment & heritage. As a first step, may I suggest a “seeing things from their side” approach. Express interest in how they arrived at their point of view a solicitous way. They may never have encountered this response (like their progenitors) and drop what may have been an uncomfortable posture for more natural interaction. Conversational Tai Chi if you will.
Greetings,
Jerky behavior is a mask to cover insecurity.
No psychiatrist here, but I know that colleagues who seem to be unpleasant are really looking for validation and belonging.
In my long career, I developed an effective foil for my aggressive, bullying, or supercilious colleagues.
When confronted, I offered no defense, since I knew that none would placate the a-hole complainant. I did know that what that colleague needed was that his or her position was in need of acknowledgement.
I offered that my future conduct would be an indication of how seriously I took their position.
Invariably, these colleagues would stumble into subsequent jackpots, and when I did not assail them, our professional bond was sealed.
Former jerks and I often commiserated later that our previous misunderstandings were not obstacles to future collegiality.
In fact, if we are completely honest, those colleagues with whom we clash are strikingly similar to ourselves.
Now retired, I often hear how wise my strategy was, and how today’s superiors are far jerkier than their predecessors.
Sincerely,
Andrew Gregg,
Palm Springs, CA
Mr. Gregg;
So gratifying to read your reply. Setting aside ego-reaction is key. It took me years to learn that my artistic temperament was too far in advance of discerning my aesthetic medium or personal voice. Conflict comes from instinctive reaction, not reasoned response. Hear a geopolitical echo? Holler back, all!