Speaking broadly, humans are social creatures; while some people are more introverted and others more extroverted, everyone benefits from having a network of interpersonal connections to fall back on when needed. Family is a natural network of connections, of course, and many people also have coworkers to reach out to but in today’s increasingly digital age, studies are showing that true friendships are harder to come by. We’ll revisit these specific data on this later but if you’re wondering how to make more friendships that will survive and thrive, this article is for you.
History of Male Friendships
In ancient times, men viewed male friendships as the most fulfilling relationship that a person could have. According to philosophers, including Aristotle, platonic relationships, having emotional connection without sexual intimacy were the ideal. Fast-forward to the 19th century where male friendships were often marked by an intensely sentimental bond, they echoed the so-called heroic friendships of the ancient world with an emphasis on emotion common to the Romantic Age.
Men of this time could use flowery language with one another in letters and weren’t afraid of even being somewhat more physically affectionate. They wouldn’t give a second thought to draping their arm around a friend or sometimes even holding hands. Why is this? At that time, affectionate feelings were not labeled as being strictly sexual or platonic. Also, the overall social structure of society during this time help to foster those intense emotional bonds.
In a manner of speaking, men and women almost lived in separate social worlds until they got married. Additionally, fraternal organizations like the Freemasons and The Odd Fellows were at their peak during this time in American history. At the end of the 19th century, nearly one in three American men was a member of one of these organizations, if not more.
During the 20th century though, male friendships underwent some serious transformations. The industrial revolution, market economics, and ideas, like social Darwinism, all contributed to a shift in thinking. Instead of viewing other men as potential friends, the default thought became that other men were competition. Also, with the increased leisure time that could now take place because of industrialization, men turned to playing more sports and pursuing more outdoor activities in their free time.
Therefore, rather than basing their friendships around an emotional bond, 20th century men were more likely to base their friendships with others around these kinds of pursuits. The outlier here is where more classically styled emotional friendships did exist was in the military where the nature of training and combat made these close bonds essential. This is still the case in the modern era but outside of the military, the 21st century man seems to have relatively few options to form these close emotional friendships. Why is this? Partly, it can be because of the increased responsibilities of modern adult life.
Adult Friendships
If you’re on the dating scene, your responsibilities as an adult can take up a good portion of your time. For example, or if you’re married, you, of course, have spousal responsibilities. If you have children, they each have their own needs, activities, and social lives and you may also be at a point where you’re having to care for your parents as well and of course, that’s not counting work, sleep, and other activities. There are 168 hours in a week and the average person will spend about 40 of these working and another 50 sleeping. Throw in things like household chores and projects, as well as all of the other things we mentioned above and you might end up having less than half of your week free.
As an aside, if you happen to be wondering, why was it easier for me to make friends in childhood? Well, partly, it’s because as a child, you likely had fewer direct responsibilities to other people and also, because school is an ideal environment for making friends. If you stay in the same school district for most of your schooling career, you’re largely surrounded by the same people who are roughly the same age and engaged in the same kinds of course materials as you are. You’ll spend 7 or 8 hours a day with these people for years at a time. Once you finish school though, this highly structured social environment falls apart and you’re suddenly surrounded in adult life with new people of all different ages, backgrounds, and interests. Friendships can still be formed, of course, but they often don’t come as naturally and research shows that we are suffering as a result.
According to a study by the AARP, for example, roughly 48 million people over the age of 45 are now suffering from chronic loneliness and while social media can broadly connect us, this is often only at a surface level. To say nothing, of course, of the negativity found in some internet comment sections. Conversely, though, a 2010 report in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that having strong social ties can boost the immune system, decrease the risk of heart disease and high blood pressure and reduce the impact of stress and chronic pain.
What Are Effective Ways of Making Friends as an Adult?
Work With Your Existing Network
Even if you don’t have many or any friends whom you regularly talk to these days, chances are you still have a number of old connections that you haven’t talked to in some time. So don’t be afraid to reach out, give them a call or send a message through text or social media. If they don’t answer you, you’re no worse off than you were before trying to reach out and if they do, you’ve got a whole new opportunity to connect. Along these same lines, if you do have a spouse or a significant other, ask if they have any old friends that you could reach out to together.
Consider Trying Something More Structured In Nature
In a recent study, sociologists collected data from 91 countries representing 2/3 of the world’s population, they concluded that Denmark is home to the happiest people in the world. Why is this? It might have something to do with the fact that 92% of Danes are members of some sort of group ranging from sports to cultural interests. To avoid loneliness, we have to seek active social lives, maintain friendships, and enjoy stable relationships. With this in mind, then, you could participate in adult classes to try to learn something that you’ve never had time to before.
You could sign up for a cooking class and then strike up a conversation with somebody at your workstation. You can search for courses that are available near you online or visit community colleges or recreation centers to find postings on available courses and of course, if you are more athletic, you can join a recreational sports team, anything from a pickup basketball team to a bowling league will put you in an environment where you can socialize with others. Since these people also had to sign up for the team, that gives you something in common that you can talk about and as teammates, you’ll have a common goal to work toward which can foster deeper relationships. If you’re more academically minded, you could visit the library or join a book club. If you’re a pet owner, you could take your dog to the park to talk with other dog owners. Again, this would be something you have in common.
Other activities could include things like religious groups, traditional fraternal organizations, or something like Toastmasters. And if you’re not finding any structured activities or groups that interest you, you could go the extra step and start one yourself. For example, a weekly lunch or a monthly movie night. Friends will bring friends of their own and before long, the group could be relatively large and who will everyone have to thank for this? The organizer, you. Furthermore, if you invite people to events or activities, they’ll remember even if they can’t make it in that specific instance. They’ll be more likely to reciprocate and invite you to things in the future. Along these lines, if you’ve got kids, coming up with structured activities for them and their friends will allow you to meet some of their friends’ parents. You might even find a few that you would like to talk with further.
Other Ways To Make Friends
Some final other options would be taking an opportunity to travel, volunteering, or using a service like the app and website, Meetup. Yes, many of these suggestions do seem like a considerable amount of work, and they are, but here’s the thing, having a large and robust network of good friends makes the work and the occasional awkwardness of meeting new people worth it.
How Do You Keep Your Friendships?
Be Kind
The first point is one that seems obvious but it is worth mentioning. Nobody likes a person who’s mean-spirited. Resonating with other people is less about you and more about focusing on them. In other words, don’t try to be interesting, try to be interested. Being likeable can be as easy as listening to people and asking them to tell you more. If they mention something that you have in common, be sure to bring that up.
In conversation, be complimentary of other people and make them feel welcome and good about themselves. Sarcasm and negativity are not personality traits and rather than just trying to be cool, be enthusiastic about your own interests and those of others. Also, consider giving meaningful gifts to those people you care about and performing random acts of kindness to show that you’re thoughtful. Be selfless in trying to give more than you receive without, of course, burning yourself out.
Have Some Vulnerability
This should be done without going overboard, like sharing your entire life story all at once. Do try to open up to other people, no strong friendship was ever founded on just talking about the weather. Yes, even here in Minnesota where Gentleman’s Gazette headquarters is located. In other words, close friends can lead to personal discussions but personal discussions can also lead to close friends. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps others to trust you because they can see that you’re putting yourself at emotional, psychological, or even physical risk. Other people will tend to react by being more open and vulnerable themselves and when more than one person is letting their guard down in a situation, this can lead to closer emotional bonds over time.
So be yourself, be honest about who you are, be vulnerable with your emotions without being dramatic, and don’t be ashamed of your own interests. You must like yourself and be confident in yourself first or you’ll project negative energy to other people. At the same time, don’t try to dominate a conversation or always make yourself the focus. A conversation should have a healthy balance of perspectives between parties. Take an interest in the lives of other people, follow up on things you’ve heard before and don’t forget to ask good questions.
Show That You Are Reliable
In other words, make time for other people. Spending time with others is a sure sign that you value them and of course, no one likes to feel undervalued, therefore, it’s crucial to keep in touch with your network. After all, if you haven’t kept in touch with people, that may be why you’ve found that your circle of friends has gotten smaller. This can be as simple as an occasional text message or as involved as a handwritten letter but even if you’re only reaching out every once in a while just to catch up and touch base, maintaining this connection is key.
We mentioned planning events yourself earlier but when others plan events and invite you, try to say yes more often. Of course, we are all busy these days but if you often feel the urge to turn down others’ plans just to do nothing instead, try to get more comfortable with putting yourself out there. And when you do say yes to events, get them on your calendar so that way, you’ll be more likely to keep your word and actually show up.
Conclusion
If you have just one major takeaway from today’s article, make it this: in the spirit of being a gentleman, value others and make yourself into a person worth valuing.
Outfit Rundown
I’m wearing a fairly casual outfit that might be good for going out to meet up with new people who could eventually become potential friends. I’m wearing a Glen check shirt in blue and yellow over a white background underneath a cardigan sweater with blue and gray tones. My trousers are plain medium brown, and my loafers are in a dark chocolate brown suede.
My socks today are from Fort Belvedere. They are shadow-striped models in navy and yellow to harmonize with the colors in my shirt as well as my sweater.
How do you make friends and keep them? Share with us in the comments!
#1: In order to have a friend, you need to be a friend.
That’s true to start with and the base to make friends. But then, it also all too true that making friends after a certain age can indeed be a difficult challenge. With my 34 years and being expatriate, I find myself almost exclusively relying on my old friends from the old days.
I think that most of the tipps presented here offer very good and helpful guidelines, and I think everyone in their thirties will appreciate them. Thank you very much for this article.