How to Be a Gentleman (Not a Troll!) Online

The internet has opened up a new ecosystem of communication between peoples. Social media is probably the most common way to communicate today, but as one can exist anonymously in the online world, some choose to behave irresponsibly via the things they put out! If you’re looking to avoid such behavior, here are our tips on how to behave like a gentleman (not a troll) online.

The Pitfall of Online Discourse: Anonymity

The days of lovely handwritten letters are mostly behind us and even their direct successor, the email, is on the wane somewhat. We’ve got things like instant messaging services, video chatting software, social media platforms like Instagram and Twitter, comments and replies on Youtube, forums, websites, and a plethora of other communication services like TeamSpeak, Skype, and Discord.

Being able to communicate with the rest of the world at lightning-fast speeds can seem like a wonderful thing and, in some circumstances, it can be. But, at the same time, there is one big problem. It can be done anonymously.

Under this guise of anonymity, people are no longer really as responsible for what they say so they feel free to belittle, beleaguer, or harass other people with no real consequences. And, if their account on a platform is muted or banned, they can often just as easily create a new one and start the process over.

So, with anonymity often comes a loss of responsibility and civility. But, we should try to remember that our words have the power to affect people, and some people have a larger platform than others and, thus, can affect people even more so with the words they use.

To that end, we’ve come up with three basic rules today as to how a gentleman should conduct himself on social media, but the bottom line here is: just try not to be a jerk.

3 Basic Rules of Social Media

1. Know What You’re Trying To Achieve Online

Firstly, make sure to ask yourself the question: “What it is that you’re actually trying to achieve online?” Stated in another way, changing someone’s mind or promoting a new idea is occurring more and more rarely online these days as many algorithms are only feeding us what they think we already want to hear.

So, consider your own motivations if you do happen to be conversing or, indeed, debating with someone online. Is this experience really enriching your life or, for that matter, theirs?

2. Communicate As You Would with Your Grandmother

Next, imagine each person you talk to online is your grandmother. In other words, if you wouldn’t talk to your grandmother in the way that you’re talking to that person, it’s probably a sign that you’ve adopted an ungentlemanly tone.

3. Behave As If Your Personal Info is Available for All

Imagine your full name, photo, and home address are available for all to see. If you knew that this information was readily available for anyone, putting your reputation on the line, would you behave in the same way?

DON’Ts For Gentlemen Online: 1. Don’t Engage in Useless Debates

First up, today, don’t engage in useless or unsubstantiated debates online. Not everybody likes an argument, of course, but there are some people out there who do enjoy a good debate. And as we’re all increasingly aware these days, the world wide web encompasses people of all beliefs and political affiliations, making it a battleground for many competing ideas and ideologies.

If you do choose to engage in debates online, it’s always a good idea to make sure you have the full picture being debated well at hand. In other words, do your research and make sure that you have your facts straight before wading into a debate as there are likely going to be hundreds, if not, thousands of other commenters out there waiting to pounce on you if you lie or make a mistake.

And especially if the topic of debate is centered around opinions, things can quickly get out of hand and descend into name-calling, swearing, and other rude behavior just designed to rile up the other person. This, of course, is completely pointless as not only are you not getting your point across, but you’re going to end up looking immature and childish.

Remember, when debating, that your problem isn’t with the other person, what they look like, or what their mother looks like. It’s about the original topic of the debate, whether that be the actions of a given politician, your favorite celebrity, your musical preferences, or whether the last season of Game of Thrones really was that terrible. 

So, stay on topic and if things descend into chaos, remember that you can walk away or hit the back button.

Of course, we do acknowledge that if a person or an organization is advocating violence or spouting hate speech, then having a group of people to stand up against them en masse can be a good way to incite social change. In these cases, making sure your voice is heard is important. But then, it comes down to how you go about it, which brings us to our next point.

2. Don’t Trade Insults

Remember, you can never raise yourself up by bringing someone else down. It only brings you down to a lower level. While anger at what somebody has said or jealousy over what they have may make your blood boil to the point that you want to stage a personal attack against them, it’s never a good idea to do so. 

Insulting others online, especially random people that have no relevance or importance to your own personal life, just to build yourself up or make you look better to others will always have the opposite effect in the end.

Meanwhile, what will make you look powerful and intelligent by comparison is having ambition, determination, and focusing your energy in the right places like your hobbies, work, or future goals. Using your time and energy to better yourself will not only make you look like a better person, but it will also make you a better person. So, use your energy wisely. 

3. Don’t Harass Others Online

Again, with online anonymity, it is much easier for people to get away with saying rude, hateful, threatening, or perverse things to others online. Things like body shaming, sexual harassment, bigotry, racism, sexism, and other threats are just a few of the ways people misuse online platforms.

Just because somebody posts a suggestive video or image does not mean that you’re granted the right to harass them. Treating someone poorly because they’re different than you or don’t adhere to your particular standards also doesn’t give you the right to harass them. And rude, threatening, hateful, or perverse comments will only reveal your own weaknesses and insecurities.

The bottom line here is: don’t say anything online that you wouldn’t be willing to shout into a crowded room or where your significant other, family members, or friends would be present. And, of course, if you would be willing to shout these things in public spaces, it may be time to reconsider your own personal value system.

4. Don’t Spread Conspiracy Theories

Our fourth “don’t” today is to not spread conspiracy theories or rumors online. According to psychologists, it’s possible for anyone to believe in and spread conspiracy theories as it’s often simpler for us to wrap our brains around a perceived villain than to really deal with the true uncertainty of society. Fear and uncertainty are fertile breeding grounds, then, for conspiracies, rumors, and fake news.

As we mentioned before, the algorithms behind big platforms like Facebook are designed to give you content that you’d already been more likely to read or that will charge you up further, which means that you can become further radicalized or fall down rabbit holes.

Put simply, then, a true gentleman must always be informed and stick to science, reason, and fact. Spreading unfounded conspiracy theories around the internet is a guaranteed way to annoy people, lose friends, and just look foolish.

If this behavior is left unchecked, we’ll be left with an online society and, maybe even, a real-world society that is untrusting, paranoid, and hateful.

So, as a rule not just for the gentleman but indeed for everyone, don’t spread unfounded or unsubstantiated rumors and conspiracy theories even if you think they might be true. Instead, wait for vetted information from trusted sources and go from there.

5. When Gaming, Don’t Hack, Grief, or Flame

For a change of pace now, our fifth “don’t” comes from the world of online gaming: don’t hack, grief, or flame others. Gaming, of course, is a fun and interactive experience, where players can choose from a variety of different genres to escape from the horror that is our reality since as early as 1958.

Over time, gaming has further developed into an immersive and interactive storytelling experience. And online gaming has brought a new and social element to all of this, allowing us to compete with or work cooperatively with other players to make things more fun for everyone. 

However, while gaming is intended to be fun and creative, it’s often the case that some people choose to make it a negative experience for others, which can be done in a multitude of ways.

Flaming

The first is “flaming,” which is when someone says or writes nasty things about another player. They may make fun of their experience, their playing style, or even things as trivial as their voice or their gamer tag.

Griefing

There’s also “griefing” when a player goes out of their way to create a negative experience for other players, whether opponents or sometimes even their teammates.

Don’t harass other players through in-game mechanics and don’t exploit glitches or bugs to create a negative experience. While it might make you feel like a strong player at first, no one should ever praise the big guy for hitting the little guy or the parent for hitting the child, and, likewise, no one is going to praise the pro gamer for beating up on the noob.

Hacking

Finally, there’s also “hacking,” where a player runs a program to exploit a game’s code in order to give themselves an unfair or illegal advantage over other players

The bottom line here: play the game as it was intended to be played. A gentleman knows when he’s won and when he’s lost and isn’t a sore communicator about either outcome. And, while it should go without saying, a gentleman never cheats.

We hope this list of online “don’ts” has been helpful for those who are looking to re-evaluate their online behavior or for those who may have been doing some of these things without even realizing it. This list shouldn’t be seen as exhaustive or comprehensive, however, so in all situations, just make sure that you’re trying your best to be a gentleman.

DOs For Gentlemen Online: 1. Do Use Correct Grammar & Punctuation

If you do feel the need to converse online or, indeed, if you have to do so in a professional setting, it’s best to always try to use correct grammar.

Many will remember that in the early days of cell phones, each button was used for three or four different letters in the so-called T9 keyboard layout. Given that one had to hit the same button multiple times to get to the letter they wanted a faster texting language, sometimes called “SMS language” was developed to compensate.

As you may be aware, some of the most common abbreviations include:

• “Talk to you later” becoming TTYL
• “Laugh out loud” becoming LOL
• “I know right” becoming IKR
• “See you tomorrow” becoming C U TMR
• Words like “for” or “hate”  becoming 4 and H8

In the modern age of touch screen smartphones, iPhones, and even swipe keyboards though, this language has become largely unnecessary. While some elements of the language, such as LOL and ROFL, have become words of a sort in their own right, using this language on a wider scale will be seen as unprofessional, and you shouldn’t do it in business environments.

The professional and intelligent gentleman, then, will converse with others using a professional tone, and this means using correct grammar and punctuation when leaving comments, posting on blogs, sending emails, or in other online forums.

One quick note here is that we are not attempting to step on different forms of regional or cultural vernacular and, of course, many people operate under the mode of “code-switching,” where they will change the dialect or vernacular they’re using for different audiences. This, of course, is completely acceptable and what we’re advocating for is to use correct and agreed upon grammar in professional settings.

2. Handle Trolls Calmly & Only When Necessary

As we mentioned before, anonymity makes it much easier for people to be harassed online and, unfortunately, it can also affect children when other students engage in online or so-called “cyberbullying.”

In many US states and elsewhere, this has been made a crime but that isn’t always an effective deterrent. So, then, our second “do” for today is to only handle trolls directly when absolutely necessary, and if you are going to do so, do it without stooping to their level.

If someone does target you online, it’s often best not to respond to them. And if you do, don’t lower yourself to their level because as the old saying goes, “They’ll likely beat you there with experience.” As with bullies in real life, cyberbullies are often individuals who have an underlying problem of their own that they’re unwilling to face and are projecting negativity and insecurity onto others.

So, in order to avoid making a bad situation worse, it’s often the best course of action to have a bit of pity and simply not respond and put more fuel on the virtual fire. Simply blocking and reporting is often a good course of action.

If someone you know personally is behaving in bad ways online, try to reach out and talk to them man-to-man on a personal level to see if you might be able to get to the root of the problem and change their behavior for the better. To learn more about this topic, our guide on How To Deal With Jerks should be helpful.

3. Do Set A Good Example For Others

Finally, do set a good example for others online. Overall, a gentleman should always endeavor to be a good role model for others. And, using our earlier point about correct grammar and spelling as an example, if you do so when replying to someone, they’re more likely to do so when replying to you.

If someone is being negative or harassing you with foul language online, don’t resort to the same behavior. Do, as an initiative, try to reach out on an empathetic level and reason with them a bit, always leading with kindness where you can.

Conclusion

We hope that the do’s and don’ts we’ve outlined here will help you to always be a gentleman, not a troll online. Remember that just because you’re anonymous doesn’t mean you should be barbarous. While staring at a computer screen can make interactions seem less personal, remember that there is another human on the other side and that they should be treated with dignity and respect.

Outfit Rundown

I’m wearing a relatively casual outfit good for sitting around online or perhaps having a casual conversation with friends in person. My central element, of course, is my berry-colored cashmere sweater, under which, I’m wearing a shirt with a microgrid pattern in orange, blue, green, and purple on white ground.

The shirt does have French cuffs, but I’ve just got simple black links in them and I’m wearing the cuffs in a barrel style to fit more easily under the sweater sleeves. My trousers are in a taupe shade to ground the outfit and work with a few of the different colors and my dark brown suede penny loafers also serve to ground the outfit. As a final accent piece, I’m wearing two-toned shadow-striped socks from Fort Belvedere in dark green and purple to harmonize with both my shirt and my sweater. You can find the socks that I’m wearing along with a wide array of other classic men’s accessories in the Fort Belvedere shop.

What’s your favorite advice for existing online? Have you dealt with cyberbullies before? Share your answers with the community in the comments!