Avoid These 10 Mistakes in Your Conversations!

While we focus primarily on dressing like a gentleman, conducting oneself as–and, indeed, being–a gentleman is the true heart of the Gentleman’s Gazette. And if Michel de Montaigne is correct and “the most fruitful and natural exercise for our minds is a conversation,” then we expect the modern gentleman to be a good conversationalist.

In case you missed it, we have already devoted previous guides to the art of conversation and how to speak like a gentleman, in general.

Today, though, we’ll take a different approach and warn you against conversational mistakes that can make even the best conversationalist sound dull, annoying, or boorish. Of course, the overall nature of your conversation will dictate how you carry it out. The rules are different, after all, between a private gathering with long-time friends and a public soiree among strangers.

With that said, though, we believe that most of the mistakes we’ve compiled here today will apply to a wide variety of situations. Today is also about ensuring a pleasant and engaging conversation for everyone involved and, as such, we won’t go over obvious things that we believe should go without saying, like insulting, threatening, or prejudiced conversation. 

Image Credit: The Mandarin

The Roman orator and rhetorician Cicero once lamented that “no rules exist for good conversation,” but we’re happy to prove him wrong and provide some basic guidelines for what not to say and do.

Before starting, however, we do want to make clear that this post is not meant as an attack for those who naturally find conversation difficult to engage in or follow, especially neurodivergent like people with autism. Our only desire is to provide you with the tools to help improve your confidence while making conversation.

1. Not Paying Attention

Having an engaged, fruitful conversation is no easy task, and it’s best accomplished when everyone involved can give all conversational partners their full, undivided attention. Not only will paying attention to the other speakers allow you to fully follow what’s going on in the conversation, but it will also encourage others to pay more attention to you when you’re speaking.

Of course, it’s entirely possible that you might be busy at the moment that someone tries to engage you in conversation, and, at this point, it’s best to simply be honest with yourself and your would-be conversational partner. If the task you’re engaged in really is more urgent than this potential dialogue, just simply say so. You might try a sentence like, “My apologies. I’m busy at the moment. Do you need my attention right now, or can I get back to you once I’m finished?”

If, on the other hand, what you’re doing can wait, it’s best to suspend that activity and engage fully in the conversation. If someone is taking the time to speak with you, it’s best, if you can, to give them your undivided attention as you never know what might happen if you don’t.

2. Getting Your Phone Involved

In the past, phones could really only interrupt us by ringing and, of course, we could choose whether to pick up or not. Nowadays, however, it can seem like our entire lives are spent on our phones, and it can be hard to sever that connection even when engaged in conversation. Simply looking at your phone while talking to others is technically covered in our number one mistake today. This one then focuses more directly on injecting your phone into your conversation.

Maybe you can recall a time when someone said, “Oh! Preston made the funniest pun on the Gentleman’s Gazette the other day! I have to show you!” At least, I hope you can recall a time when someone said that. They then proceed to take out their phone and search for the humorous item, only for that search to take longer and longer, initiating an awkward pause that interrupts the flow of conversation.

If something on your phone would genuinely benefit a conversation, it’s best to step back or even fully excuse yourself to find it before diverting everyone’s attention onto you. Of course, this will be easier to do in conversations of three or more people as the conversation can continue to flow naturally without you.

In one-on-one situations, though, this pause might make the other person bored, which, in turn, might tempt them to pull out their phone, which is probably just going to make things more awkward.

Whatever the case, we know that it can be difficult to ignore your phone once you’ve taken it out. So, in general, it’s best to leave your phone in your pocket whenever possible and simply enjoy the conversation already in progress.

3. Using Outdoor Voices Indoors

Most of us have learned the difference between acceptable voice volumes for indoor and outdoor social activities. But, we do appreciate that on a crowded dance floor or in a busy bar scene, it can pay to raise your voice to be heard. However, just like bigger isn’t always better, louder isn’t always lovelier.

Not only is excessive volume off-putting and jarring, but it can sometimes, counter-intuitively, make you more difficult to understand. Therefore always moderate your volume for where you are and with whom you are speaking.

For instance, even if you are seated at a crowded table in a noisy restaurant, you should only incrementally raise your volume until everyone can comfortably hear you and never shout or yell.

Even if you’re speaking to someone with hearing difficulties, the best thing to do is maintain eye contact, stay focused, and speak clearly rather than excessively raising your voice, which can make your sounds more garbled.

4. Interrupting Others

In the middle of a passionate conversation, we understand how tempting it can be to jump in and share your opinions or assessments whenever you feel you’re able. After all, from your perspective, it can seem like you’re just contributing to the conversation.

But, if someone else is in the middle of speaking, it is rude to cut in and interrupt them even if what you’d like to say is on topic. Not only does interrupting someone prevent them from having their say, but it could also upset or startle them and even disincentivize them from participating more in the conversation moving forward.

Also, don’t think this isn’t an issue just because the person might not say anything after you’ve interrupted them. Many people who are interrupted ignore the issue because they want to avoid conflict, but this doesn’t make interrupting any more acceptable.

So, if you find yourself interrupting someone, first apologize and then invite the person whom you interrupted to finish what they were saying.

We also understand that, around the world, various cultures take part in so-called “collaborative speaking,” where a certain verbal jostling can be expected. But, unless all of the participants are aware of this conversational tradition, we would say that it’s best to lean toward good manners and avoid interrupting as a matter of practice because if you’re worried that you might be interrupting, you probably are.

5. “Bulldozing” Others

Essentially, “bulldozing” is the uglier cousin of interrupting. It occurs when you initiate or enter into a conversation, intending to dominate the entire proceeding. You make your views and input the sole focus of the conversation and prevent anyone else from meaningfully contributing.

At its worst, bulldozing is essentially a form of verbal bullying, where you’re constantly talking over and interrupting others to try to maintain total control. And even in more benign forms, bulldozing usually leads to somewhat tepid and boring conversation. After all, if you’re the only one who’s steering what’s being said, this is going to prevent others from meaningfully contributing to the conversational flow.

If you genuinely need everyone’s attention to make an announcement or similar statement, just try to make that clear first. And remember, the only thing worse than dominating a conversation with a general topic is dominating the conversation and making it all about you.

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

As Truman Capote once said, “conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.”

6. Being A “Brick Wall”

Next up is the opposite end of the conversational spectrum from the bulldozer: being a “brick wall.” In other words, being someone who simply refuses to engage in the conversation in any meaningful way.

Brick walls offer little to no value to a conversation, and their off-putting silence usually makes others feel awkward. Brick walls often refuse to respond to developments in the conversation and even ignore obvious invitations to participate.

We understand that you might naturally be a little shy or not very talkative. But, if you’ve already agreed to be engaged in conversation, it’s unfair to rely on everyone else to keep the conversation going essentially without you.

So, it’s a good idea to contribute when you’re able, even if that just means asking questions from time to time. And if you are shy, it can also be a good idea to mention to your conversational partners up front that you aren’t very chatty but that you do love to listen so that they won’t feel like they’re overwhelming you.

On that note, you can check out this guide if you’d like to learn how to overcome social anxiety. And, of course, there is a difference between being a brick wall and actively not wanting to engage in conversation with someone.

7. Employing Antisocial Body Language

Ironically a major mistake in conversation can be not what you say but simply how you hold yourself. Body language is an important social cue that greatly impacts how you present yourself to others and can often set the tone for a conversation.

So, when in conversation, avoid body language that might dampen the mood. Don’t slump your shoulders and cross your arms or lower your head and shrink into yourself like you’re attempting to disappear.

These behaviors will make it seem like you aren’t interested in what’s going on around you. Also, avoid any aggressive or imposing posture like standing too close to others, touching them unnecessarily, or making broad and excessive gestures. Also, avoid sitting overly spread out or straddling furniture as this can be unpleasant to others and make you seem oblivious.

And if you’d like to learn even more tips like these, you’ll find our full guide to gentlemen’s body language helpful.

8. Overusing Small-Talk

Small talk is often a great way to strike up a conversation, especially if you don’t know someone or if you’re only going to be chatting for a brief period of time. But, once you’ve broken the ice, you’re soon going to find yourself on thin ice if you just keep up with the small talk patter.

Small talk alone isn’t sustainable as a conversation, and if you keep dribbling platitudes and bland statements, the conversation is quickly going to turn boring and fizzle out.

After you’ve organically passed the small talk threshold, then, be prepared to make the conversation more in-depth. Having a collection of engaging follow-up questions handy is a great way to take your conversations to the next level, and we’ve prepared 53 of them for you. This way, you can just use small talk as a springboard to great conversation and not as a crutch.

9. Engaging In One-Upmanship

Our penultimate mistake today is engaging in one-upmanship. Conversation should be a pleasant experience for all parties, so you should never use it as an excuse to belittle others in trying to make yourself look better. Sometimes though, you might accidentally fall into one-upmanship or unintentionally backhanded comments.

For instance, if someone mentions that they just got back from a short trip upstate, that’s not the time to jump in to talk about the three-month grand tour you just took on the continent. Instead, let the focus remain on their trip and wait to see if the conversation naturally flows to trips that others have taken. Likewise, if someone is talking about an achievement of which they’re proud, like a promotion or a new job, focus your input on their success, and don’t try to redirect things toward yourself.

To a certain degree, this also goes back to dovetail with our point about interrupting. Make sure that you’re listening to your conversational partners and not simply waiting to pounce with your own input. You’re having a conversation, remember? Not a contest. So, don’t worry about winning; only on making sure that everyone is having a good time.

10. Not Reading The Room

Finally, we come to conversational mistake number ten: not reading the room. This final mistake is relatively broad, but keeping it in mind will ensure that your conversations are engaging and fun. Essentially, reading the room refers to being mindful of what others are expecting from a conversation.

Based on who is present, the nature of the event, the overall mood, and your personal relationship with your conversational partners, some types of conversational engagement just aren’t going to make sense.

For example, an aside from a stranger about an upcoming superhero film isn’t the time to get into a protracted debate about whether DC or Marvel is better. And a lighthearted cocktail party hosted by a friend from work probably isn’t the best time to bring up that book you’ve been reading on gory, 19th-century battlefield surgery.

Obviously, you want your conversation to reflect your interests, but not at the expense of others’ interests and comfort levels. Therefore, keep the prevailing tone in mind before striking up any potentially incendiary conversational topics, and be mindful of how others are responding to what you’re saying.

One More Word

We’ve got one more brief word for you today. As we noted in our opening, we really do hope it goes without saying that a gentleman should never engage in any conversation that demeans, degrades, or insults anyone. It should never be shocking or upsetting. In other words, pretty much don’t do that.

Conclusion

Armed with these ten guidelines then, we hope that you’ll feel empowered to really showcase your wit and charm without worrying about any potential mistakes. If brevity is the soul of wit, our brief summary is as follows – don’t dominate the conversation, acknowledge and support everyone present, and in conversation as in life, treat others how you’d like to be treated.

Avoiding these mistakes will ensure the excellence of your conversation for, as Somerset Maugham once said, “conversation is one of the greatest pleasures in life.”

Image Credit: Literariness

The conversation here has been a bit one-sided so far, so we want to hear from you, too. Leave your thoughts in the comments section below!

Outfit Rundown

Today, I’m wearing a fairly casual, warm weather outfit, good for having some informal conversation among friends. The outfit revolves around a relatively simple color scheme of yellow and brown, and the central element is my yellow and white striped shirt in linen from the Australian brand Coast Clothing. 

My trousers are in a plain brown shade, and my shoes are brown suede loafers in almost a slipper style from the brand, Velasca. Meanwhile, my socks are shadow-striped models from Fort Belvedere in colors we’re calling “caramel” and “dark burgundy” that harmonize pretty well with my shirt.

To go along with this casual feel, I’ve let my beard grow a bit and also left the product out of my hair today. But, in the outdoor shots, you’re seeing I am, of course, wearing my trusty coconut straw pork pie hat.

And for the socks I’m wearing, along with a wide array of other classic men’s accessories, you can take a look at the Fort Belvedere shop.